“The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.”
We’ve all been down the rabbit hole once or a few times in our lives. Possibly a few times since this morning. 🙋🏻 Yes, me since sunrise with orbits of thoughts around my head.
It happens during interminable unproductive meetings. It maddens from the misery of a long un-prioritized task list. It materializes every time we complicate simplicity and tighten the noose of expectations.
The rabbit hole is the unproductive, undirected and chaotic mess of thoughts that paralyze our movement — it can be quite discomforting to progress because it feels like defeat and second guesses, something I’ve felt on and off the past couple months while soul searching my next career move and adjusting to my new life.
“You used to be much more… “muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”
If you’re like me, struggling to conceptualize what it is you truly, deep-down-in-your-heart want for the performance of your life, then you are probably not illustrating that which makes for your muchness. And the reason I say performance is because our stories can be rewritten and revised as we are the pen holders, or in my current situation the author behind the cursor.
Your muchness — the essence of your heart and the light in your soul, your plain and simple awesomeness. Your muchness is the fuel that drives you. It is your unique characteristics contributing to the world, your greatness. If you are missing your muchness then you are not moving forward living your best life, and you’re probably not furnishing your best you.
The world can slowly chip away at us as we grow up, and when we don’t slow down to become still and recognize it before letting ourselves react, we lose our muchness, much like myself. Because in the last 15 months my pedal has been floored, and I needed to pump the brakes on some things while I focused on other things and experienced new things.
I have been internally facing my own fears of taking such a long break away from my working career, but it’s been great for reflecting, travel, family and friends. My biggest fear has been judgement from others, and then I realize that I’m blessed with a husband that encourages me to not just take a job for the sake of a job, but to chase my dreams. It also doesn’t hurt that I did a good job chunking away some money to be able to take this break.
So how do we climb out the rabbit hole and move forward in a direction?
Here are 3 things I am figuring out:
- Find the roman candle in your heart. The desire that burns “exploding like spiders across the stars”. Thank you Jack Kerouac for your shared words. Your muchness is uniquely your own. When something ignites the joy within you make time for it. This life is not a practice run. It is a one time experienced marathon, and everything good that is shared took time to be created and worked meticulously on.
- Create your discipline. I’ve learned, and not the for first time, probably not the last, creating discipline takes time and it will be the propensity of your heart that will overcome the suffering you will inevitably feel in the practice. Just keep going and know that you are not alone. Habits are hard, both to break and create. Remember to not compare your stride to someone else’s step. I have a strong love hate relationship with discipline.
- Take opportunity. That saying, “the world is your oyster,” you were intended to create meaning of enjoyment for yourself. The way you create meaning is to experience things. The way you experience things is to do things. The rabbit hole keeps you from doing things if you stay in it too long.
Remember: while moral support may show up in a letter, during a phone call, or in a conversation with a stranger on a park bench, only you can show up to the door and walk through it. Get out the rabbit hole and move with muchness.
I’ve come to realize that progress is uniquely our own experience. It overcomes our own barriers and succeeds by our own operation. I’ve been identifying my barriers so that I may work through them, and I have a lot of barriers. And progress, it yields its own time. There are no hacks or a fast forward button.
For me the roman candle in my heart is writing. The discipline is not there, so I’ve been seeking out writing friends for accountability, signing up for courses, and now remaking a commitment to myself to write more. As for opportunity I have one that I need to take better advantage of.