“And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive.” (her video is at the end of this blog posting). After rereading and listening to the poem, of which I’ve done it a million times, it surfaces new meaning and it helps me find a moment of clarity.
I have a habit to believe the best intentions of everyone which isn’t always the best, but if I had to choose it would be the luminous. My boyfriend told me that I am naive, and he almost had me convinced. I hate it. This feeling—I’m happy and sad and strong and weak and certain and uncertain and excited and anxious and every unexplained emotion collided. It’s the best kind of motion sickness. Or is it a false understanding of what a relationship is?
I dream of writing to the stature of Sarah Kay. I want my words to stretch as far as the best kind of hug imagine. I want to timelessly secure comfort to several situations by providing insight to meaning that others will discover on their own. One day my words will be borrowed for clarity or strength in situations I will never know or understand. I’ll contribute beyond myself and continue to be proud of the ink my pages add to our stories, our mankind.
Recently a retired number lit the screen of my phone and my initial thoughts had no good intentions. My thoughts reminded me that everyone has or will swim in murky waters. And it will always be individual decision as to whether or not to sink teeth, because even though this is all metaphorical we can’t escape being human.
“You keep throwing people away for being the very same thing you are, Human.”
I was almost convinced I am naive because I’ve been caught in a rip current. I’ve been pulled off shore, and for a while I’ve been unable to keep afloat, well at least it has felt that way. The shore has always been in focus and my swimming skills haven’t been the strongest, but I’ve been practicing. Sometimes I want things so bad that I push forward against the flow. My God am I stubborn.
Too many disappointments for the girl who seeks lyrical answer to:
“I want so badly to believe that ‘there is truth, that love is real.’
And I want life to every word to the extent that it’s absurd.”
It took exhaustion to make me listen. It took fear in sharky waters for me to realize that all I needed to do was take a right angle exit. I knew that when my phone lit the boy trying to contact me must have hit rock bottom. The current he was riding had finally spiraled his body to flesh against the reef and the scrapes were bleeding. It was as if in that moment I detected the blood and I was ready for kill. Thankfully I did not react to my emotions but let myself think. Who am I to judge and hate?
Everyone in life considered significant will hurt, and I’m learning that everyday from past and present relationships. The hardest concept to grasp for me has been acceptance, understanding that the drift isn’t always a set course and that gradual or forced deviation allows us to lose ourselves.
Forgiving our mistakes and the mistakes of others while accepting the truth to move forward is often a hard swallow. Under the wrong circumstances anyone can drown in water, even puddles pose a threat. What’s scary is that drowning can occur so close to the shore and that focus can be a more simple battle if we aren’t so caught up in our own fears. “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.” Stop struggling and have confidence it your heart. “Because the truths may vary.”
I can only speak on behalf of myself, but it is my opinion that my boyfriend and I found each other in the rip.
My boyfriend, being the salesman that he is, always says “It isn’t what you say but how you say it.” And it is an interesting philosophy to think about because I agree to the extent of every kind of language (i.e. voice, body, written..). And I’ve come to the decision that communication is the foundation of ALL things. And because I want to influence positive change for myself and others I realize that I must strengthen my ability to communicate.
There is a lot of miscommunication/understanding going on in my relationship, and we seem to find ourselves remaining off shore swimming against the rip, and we are becoming exhausted. The main focus we seem to share is to return to shore because the water has toothy neighbors and those blood-thirsty man eating beasts are on the hunt. Okay so it is probably dramatized with the “blood-thirsty man eating beasts,” but it doesn’t ease fear and our fears are very real. But we can’t let fear keep us from enjoying time in the water, so we are trying to set focus to the shore.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE AS OF NOW:
A lot. I always feel confused per usual, but I find that I am exactly where I need to be as the message reveals itself. I have never felt so much comfort in fear. It is so distracting as I am trying to understand myself better and my craft more to focus it all into a career I can perform passionately in. I am caught in the motions of life, and well that is not for me. When I really think about what I love it is creative word play. So I’ve decided while I get my life back to focus I’m going to practice my craft.
I’m moving back to Georgia. Life is very hectic. I’m remembering where my faith holds. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear.