Difficulty Idex

It’s been awhile since I’ve dabbled on this blog. It’s been awhile since I’ve been myself. I’ve been feeling like Pigpen for awhile, but I’m ready for the sun-cut ribbons of Dawn. I’m trying to get back to myself.

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard this ad endorse “delicious consequence.” I think it was a Dunkin’ Donuts ad, but I am not sure. After hearing the ad all I could think about is how humans measure by behavior modifications.

Firs off, that’s weird, right? I am not sure what set my mind off, but it certainly switched gears from singing off-key with Tay Bae Bae (Taylor Swift 1989) to mental meandering. And that’s when I knew it was time to recalibrate.

I have a somewhat habit to justify the goodness of things instead of discipline, and I think that reigns truth for everyone. It’s really funny for me to look back on some of my old blogs and read the mental shift of my stupidity (talk about young and in dumb).

Seriously, I express such mixed messages. I believe in my own standards. The beautiful thing about wrestling with truth is that vulnerability reinforces just how human I am. What’s even more beautiful is the love I receive in acceptance of my weak and fragile.

This past year I was caught in a rip current (you can read about some of it HERE). I wasn’t kidding when I said life was pretty hectic. It has taken me almost a year to recover from moving back to Georgia. I have been in a constant strive and struggle to have control. I’ve been conforming and following my own understanding of “adulting” (working full-time, investing in savings, owning stuff… kinda), all the distractions of unimportant labor. I say unimportant because recently I’ve realized that this past year I haven’t been performing life with passion. Don’t get me wrong, adulting is very necessary, but it’s not everything. I only have one life to live and I’m not sure I’m living to my full potential. It’s been a lot of distrust for grace and peace.

“Those who trust to their own righteousness and strength, and think they can do without Christ, make flesh their arm, and their souls cannot prosper in graces or comforts.” – Jeremiah 17:5

We add words to justify the goodness of things instead of discipline ourselves. I guess lately I’ve been questioning my practice.

“Sometimes I am afraid of being judged by who I associate with and that is dumb. I’m seriously going to work on these silly fears, but I’m not sure how yet. What I do know is that I shouldn’t be scared and I can be anyone I want to be.”

A blog is a curse and blessing. A curse because it makes the writer vulnerable, and depending on the content, it’s a reminder of who we are and where we’ve been. It’s a blessing for all the same reasons. My life has been so difficult lately because I haven’t been making decisions, and when I have made decions the thoughts weren’t entirely my own.This blog and my journals most certainly index my difficulties. Mid-twenties got me all:

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I need to detach from everything and start over. Living out the confusion and waiting for the clear.

It’s nice to thought it out, even if it is messy.
xo

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