Mission on Muchness

life, thoughts
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β€œThe hurrier I go, the behinder I get.”

We’ve all been down the rabbit hole once or a few times in our lives. Possibly a few times since this morning. πŸ™‹πŸ» Yes, me since sunrise with orbits of thoughts around my head.

It happens during interminable unproductive meetings. It maddens from the misery of a long un-prioritized task list. It materializes every time we complicate simplicity and tighten the noose of expectations.

The rabbit hole is the unproductive, undirected and chaotic mess of thoughts that paralyze our movement β€” it can be quite discomforting to progress because it feels like defeat and second guesses, something I’ve felt on and off the past couple months while soul searching my next career move and adjusting to my new life.

β€œYou used to be much more… β€œmuchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”

If you’re like me, struggling to conceptualize what it is you truly, deep-down-in-your-heart want for the performance of your life, then you are probably not illustrating that which makes for your muchness. And the reason I say performance is because our stories can be rewritten and revised as we are the pen holders, or in my current situation the author behind the cursor.

Your muchness β€” the essence of your heart and the light in your soul, your plain and simple awesomeness. Your muchness is the fuel that drives you. It is your unique characteristics contributing to the world, your greatness. If you are missing your muchness then you are not moving forward living your best life, and you’re probably not furnishing your best you.

The world can slowly chip away at us as we grow up, and when we don’t slow down to become still and recognize it before letting ourselves react, we lose our muchness, much like myself. Because in the last 15 months my pedal has been floored, and I needed to pump the brakes on some things while I focused on other things and experienced new things.

I have been internally facing my own fears of taking such a long break away from my working career, but it’s been great for reflecting, travel, family and friends. My biggest fear has been judgement from others, and then I realize that I’m blessed with a husband that encourages me to not just take a job for the sake of a job, but to chase my dreams. It also doesn’t hurt that I did a good job chunking away some money to be able to take this break.

So how do we climb out the rabbit hole and move forward in a direction?

Here are 3 things I am figuring out:

  1. Find the roman candle in your heart. The desire that burns “exploding like spiders across the stars”. Thank you Jack Kerouac for your shared words. Your muchness is uniquely your own. When something ignites the joy within you make time for it. This life is not a practice run. It is a one time experienced marathon, and everything good that is shared took time to be created and worked meticulously on.
  2. Create your discipline. I’ve learned, and not the for first time, probably not the last, creating discipline takes time and it will be the propensity of your heart that will overcome the suffering you will inevitably feel in the practice. Just keep going and know that you are not alone. Habits are hard, both to break and create. Remember to not compare your stride to someone else’s step. I have a strong love hate relationship with discipline.
  3. Take opportunity. That saying, β€œthe world is your oyster,” you were intended to create meaning of enjoyment for yourself. The way you create meaning is to experience things. The way you experience things is to do things. The rabbit hole keeps you from doing things if you stay in it too long.

Remember: while moral support may show up in a letter, during a phone call, or in a conversation with a stranger on a park bench, only you can show up to the door and walk through it. Get out the rabbit hole and move with muchness.

I’ve come to realize that progress is uniquely our own experience. It overcomes our own barriers and succeeds by our own operation. I’ve been identifying my barriers so that I may work through them, and I have a lot of barriers. And progress, it yields its own time. There are no hacks or a fast forward button.

For me the roman candle in my heart is writing. The discipline is not there, so I’ve been seeking out writing friends for accountability, signing up for courses, and now remaking a commitment to myself to write more. As for opportunity I have one that I need to take better advantage of.

Write more,

Dawn

Just do it.

life
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The Sunday before last I ran a half marathon with no preparation or training. How appropriate to title this blog the Nike slogan, right?

13.1 miles and I had mentally convinced myself that I would not finish. I was ready to accept defeat as long as “I tried” to run the race. I felt guilty that I did not want it bad enough and that I did nothing to prepare. When we, my running posse and I, showed up to the Brooklynite Summer Half at 69th Street Pier, it was apparent that everyone competing was a runner, everyone but us. Everyone there had nice defined legs, even those with a larger build.

I have been against a series of mental challenges with myself this year. Quitting my job, getting married and then moving to a new city has proven to be more enduring than I anticipated; unconsciously comparing my life to others, getting my feelings hurt, worrying and not worrying enough left me stagnant. And if you don’t understand what being stagnant feels like, it feels like death inside, soulβ€”sucking.

I’ve been struggling to find my voice as a writer. I’ve stared brainless moments at the flashing cursor on the screen and have had several false starts to my writings. My thoughts have been as ☁clouded☁.

Completing the half marathon was the best overcoming decision I’ve made since moving to New York, it helped break a piece of my mental barrier and re-realize that in order for me to move forward I have to just do it. In this case, by “just do it,” I am referring to doing something, anything, rather than nothing which was where I was at. And as a side note, doing nothing not only makes you feel crazy it makes life boring. I have been a series of excuses and distractions, hurt feelings, and the kind of worry that left me numb.

I’m not sure what brought me to such a great mental defeat, but recognizing it and embracing it has been re-energizing. Any time anything good has ever happened in my life I was busy and doing something. I was saying “yes”. I was moving in a direction which allowed me to discover opportunities and take me a step further in figuring out what it is I truly want to do with my life. I’m convinced I’ll never have an answer to what I truly want to be doing with my life and that it will forever be an evolving interest to learn (or so I hope).

I guess I keep forgetting the break down and recreation of habit is a marathon process rather than a sprint. I’ve been very hard on myself the last couple months on several things. Running the half marathon reminded me that no matter how many times I fail or how slow I progress, I’m ahead of everyone who isn’t trying. That or someone younger is going to kick my ass and pull ahead. No joke, a 17 years old girl who I know I was in better shape physically almost beat me. Mental conditioning will make or break you.

In order to move forward, just do it.

Shame on you, you’re the problem…

life, thoughts

Here I am, in my new home of Brooklyn, sitting on my bed with cow socks on wondering what I am doing with my life. I’ve joined the problem because I am no closer to any goals I have set for myself, and I am doing nothing of significance towards a positive impact. In fact, I don’t even have a tangible outline to hold myself accountable for anything or even understand what direction I am headed.

Accountable. I see so many people blaming, sharing hate, and having an obligatory sense of superior belief on social media platforms, and it makes me have a deep sense of self reflection. I lazily consume the nonsense as I scroll my newsfeed (A.k.a. drama media). Again, I am no closer to achieving my goals or doing something of positive impact. Like every person yelling to the wind on their Facebook novel feeds or long threaded tweets, we are no step closer to a resolution. So, with the cloudy view of Manhattan from my window, I have decided that I am going to create rather than consume. I am going to do the things that make me happy so that I may help myself in order to help others.

The world is undeniably broken. Cutting deeply with unkind words is harmful. Reacting to stupidity on an emotional level is fuel to the naysayers and ends up being more hurtful to you. The more hate imposed on stubborn people, the more stubborn people will shell up and not listen to perspective. Things need to be discussed, but there has to be a stop to leaving people down. No one in this world is pure and perfect, and avoiding people for their mistakes will leave you feeling alone.

It amazes me when I see people advocating for “more love” because the same people advocating more love don’t seem to be willing to love the people they hate. Real love is tough and overcomes its own animosity. Real love doesn’t hate because it is “over it.”

I get it, there is a problem. Everyone is responding with pain, suffering and loss. It’s hard to see in the moment of suffering, but ugly things in the heart must be overcome. It’s okay to hurt, but it severely has the world disoriented. I don’t agree with statements like “you’re the problem” and “shame on you.”

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Pretty Dawn Good

life

I made history being the most awkward person to accept a marriage proposal. July 5th I kissed Β my boyfriend on the Eiffiel Tower and smiled as I said, “Aww, look babe we can now say we kissed in France on the Eiffiel Tower.” As he took the opportunity to transition into proposal mode he shared with me words that I absolutely felt Β mutual about. I immediately kissed him and said, “Awww, I feel the same way and thank you.” As he proceeded to get on his knee I asked him what he was doing mid box out the pocket. IΒ laugh as IΒ reflect the day because clearly he was about to propose. A small crowd applaud usΒ and I could not tell you how many people wereΒ around us because I only saw Austin in the moment.

I imagine many were surprised to see me engaged. It took us weeks to share the announcement in order for us to share with family and closest friends before social media spilled the beans. Enough time for me to start to think through all the same whirlwind of thoughts that must have crossed other’s mind. No we are not preggers, nor are we in any scenario to consider being politically correct for social pressures.

My decision to marry Austin was a certain non-hesitant answer to life. I love that my fiancΓ© gives me meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. While I love my words (and he understands the importance of letter writing) he equates actions. Austin loves me selflessly and in full acceptance with no criticism, more patience, more trust, and preserves our relationship for us to share. Not only does Austin love me for me, but he loves my family, friends, and the community that surrounds me. He loves every person that has contributed the pieces of who I am today. He may not have met every one of those people, but he listens to the stories narrated from me and understands how important relationships are to me.

I’ve learned that time means nothing and everything at the same time. And in writing that out loud from my head, it also means nothing makes sense. Seriously, how contradictory was that line? I would have never guessed in my lifetime that I’d be engaged so quickly. Austin walked into my life having better intentions for me than people I’d known for much longer. And he has never tried to change me or criticize me but love me. He inspires me everyday to be me. The good better best. What I enjoy most about our relationship is that we were both well off on our own and didn’t really need each other, but together we share a whole lot of awesome.

Austin went to church with me for the first time yesterday, and the topic was about being a husband in representation of Christ. He jokingly said I’d planned to bring him to church that day so the sermon would address him as my soon-to-be husband. I haven’t been to church in any consistence this year between weddings (maid of honor twice), weekend getaways, family visits, work, and just a constant go. He enjoyed the sermon and plans to go back with me πŸ™‚ I too, enjoyed the sermon and realized how much I missed my attendance and learning more about the bible.

Ironically enough, I started writing this post days ago. The timing of yesterday’s sermon was crazy because after church Austin told me he was listening to a song (Same Love – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis …lol) and explain that the lyrics “love is patience, love is kind” was resonating in thought for him. And then I let him know I had been writing this post about him.

Everything about my relationship with Austin has been unbelievable, inexplicable, and just a vomit of happiness. The kind of happiness plot on the Hollywood screen – the movie(s) you jealously would never admit you wished upon. Honestly, nothing I write could ever equate the joy I share loving my fiancΓ©. It’s a passion from within that is had or not had. Also, I don’t recall myself ever wishing jealously upon a Hollywood plot, but it could have happened.

I jokingly came up with name Pretty Dawn Good awhile ago, in conversation, and in response to the question “how are you?”. That day (however long ago) I pretty much decided that it would be my brand. I’d strive to be stupidly punny and Pretty Dawn Good.

July was several pretty amazing strides. I took a 12 day holiday (visiting the U.K., France, & Spain), returned a home owner (finally closed!), and got engaged (It was also the first day we verbally said I love you). I could have never guessed so many life changing events would take place all at once. In all this excitement I’ve found a lot of inspiration, a deep burning desire to get back to my favorite things, which include, letter writing, volunteering, and doodling to name a few. I’d like to make excuses and say it is difficult to balance life, but that’s my own self limitations.

Love your life

And on that note…

God certainly made me a hot mess combination of sugar, nice, and a punch of spice. PS. Thanks poorsie if you read this…inspired from your instapic ❀

XO,

Dawn

It’s the most Wonderful

life

I bought this dinky little tree for my apartment so that I could decorate it with my little brother and sister (something we’d never done before).

I christmas2015never expected to actually have gifts under the tree, and today there is a nice little pile for just me. With the exception of my mother I haven’t asked for anything orΒ shared what I’d like.

I’ve opened a couple presents so far, and I must say that I am so very blessed to have such thoughtful people placed in my life, who take the time to truly know me and go out of their way to make me smile.

I have more than I need and I’m finally old enough to buy or earn what I want on my own. I genuinely wasn’t expecting much to unwrap this year because so many things have changed and plans have shifted.

God truly has orchestrated everything right for me, strategically placed all the right people I needed in the right moments.

Reflecting on this year – I can’t believe it’s over! I have learned far more than I realized I would and have a lot to take away.Β  So many things to be grateful for.

My nephew once told his younger brother that blinking was the same as applauding. I hope you slow down a bit the next couple days and embrace the moments you have to spend your holiday break with whomever is significant to you. May you find many moments to applaud.

Merry Christmas Eve!

xo,

Dawn

182 letters in due time

letters, life
notetoself

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many reminders we write ourselves because we still forget. Tonight I am looking at a stack of 6 incomplete journals with notes, quotes, hurt, love, and reminders of where I’ve been.

“If you’re not paying attention to what you’re working with – what are you paying attention to?”

While I have been moving forward, and I feel I have been doing well for myself, I’ve come to realize how much I’ve been holding myself back. As I reflect on the year I begin to accept my own defeats, find all the things to be thankful for, and gracefully accept starting over.

In 2015 I somewhat lost my comfort in eye contact with strangers. I barely wrote any letters. I didn’t volunteer and can only think of one stranger I served. I didn’t rekindle the relationships I wanted. I allowed myself to be influenced with criticism and questioned my own intensions that didn’t deserve to be. I lost a bit of confidence in myself. I felt discouraged as well as physically and emotionally drained. I didn’t really set goals for myself but drifted.

While it is disappointing to admit my many fails to myself — I must say what I have to be thankful for is so much greater. And tomorrow is a new Dawn.

So for 2015 I did not set any substantial goals. 2016 I’m replenishing myself and intend to kick some serious ass.

I have my goals scribbled and doodled in my sketch book for myself, and I only intend to share a couple on here. I won’t share the entire list as it includes finances and personal goals that are none of your damn business (unless I choose to share with you).

Here were my goals for 2014 :

Please note that this was a draft and not a finished list… and yes I am aware I misspelled create on the original draft.

2014

The two miss on my list for 2014 was sky diving and visiting the redwoods.

If you notice in 2014 I set a goal to write 365 letters in 365 days. That was WAY too bold for myself; however, I did not feel it was unrealistic. In 2014 I had a long running to meet my goal and then life happened and distractions happened and I gave up for a few other reasons I prefer not to share.

In 2014 I wrote about 130 letters before moving back to Georgia, starting a new career, being in a relationship, and starting over from scratch. The letters I wrote also took a lot more time and effort than I anticipated, but sharing the love was well worth it.

This year I anticipate being very busy with my goals, however I want to pick up on the letters. I believe in letters and the art of writing. I once said, “I want my words to stretch as far as the best kind of hug imagine. I want to timelessly secure comfort to several situations by providing insight to meaning that others will discover on their own. One day my words will be borrowed for clarity or strength in situations I will never know or understand. I’ll contribute beyond myself and continue to be proud of the ink my pages add to our stories, our mankind.” I’d like some help with accountability.

I am openly making a promise to write you a letter if you should request one… Well to be realistic for this year it will be for the first to respond up to 182. I don’t anticipate 182 requests, so who knows how many people I will be hitting up for addresses. I have no idea what I will write you, but it will be open and honest.

Another goal I set was to volunteer. If you have suggestions around the Atlanta area I encourage your email to share. Other than that I really don’t care to share my other goals, unless over a cup of coffee and face-to-face interaction πŸ˜‰

2016 will be a extraordinary year, so go kick ass!

“Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go.”

XO,

Dawn

Difficulty Index

life, thoughts

It’s been awhile since I’ve dabbled on this blog. It’s been awhile since I’ve been myself. I’ve been feeling like Pigpen for awhile, but I’m ready for the sun-cut ribbons of Dawn. I’m trying to get back to myself.

IΒ was listening to the radio the other day and heard this ad endorse β€œdelicious consequence.” I think it was a Dunkin’ Donuts ad, but I am not sure. After hearing the ad all I could think about is how humans measure by behavior modifications.

Firs off, that’s weird, right? I am not sure what set my mind off, but it certainly switched gears from singing off-key with Tay Bae Bae (Taylor Swift 1989) to mental meandering. And that’s when I knew it was time to recalibrate.

I have a somewhat habit to justify the goodness of things instead of discipline, and I think that reigns truth for everyone. It’s really funny for me to look back on some of my old blogs and read the mental shift of my stupidity (talk about young and in dumb).

Seriously, I expressΒ such mixedΒ messages. I believe in my own standards. The beautiful thing about wrestling with truth is that vulnerability reinforces just how human I am. What’s even more beautiful is the love I receive in acceptance of my weak and fragile.

This past year I was caught in a rip current (you can read about some of it HERE). I wasn’t kidding when I said life was pretty hectic. It has taken me almost a year to recover from moving back to Georgia. I have been in a constant strive and struggle to have control. I’ve been conforming and following my own understanding of β€œadulting” (working full-time, investing in savings, owning stuff… kinda), all the distractions of unimportant labor. I say unimportant because recently I’ve realized that this past year I haven’t been performing life with passion. Don’t get me wrong, adulting is very necessary, but it’s not everything. I only have one life to live and I’m not sure I’m living to my full potential. It’s been a lot of distrust for grace and peace.

β€œThose who trust to their own righteousness and strength, and think they can do without Christ, make flesh their arm, and their souls cannot prosper in graces or comforts.” – Jeremiah 17:5

We add words to justify the goodness of things instead of discipline ourselves. I guess lately I’ve been questioning my practice.

β€œSometimes I am afraid of being judged by who I associate with and that is dumb. I’m seriously going to work on these silly fears, but I’m not sure how yet. What I do know is that I shouldn’t be scared and I can be anyone I want to be.”

A blog is a curse and blessing. A curse because it makes the writer vulnerable, and depending on the content, it’s a reminder ofΒ who we are and where we’ve been. It’s a blessing for all the same reasons. My life has been so difficult lately because I haven’t been making decisions, and when I have made decions the thoughts weren’t entirely my own.This blog and my journals most certainly index my difficulties. Mid-twenties got me all:

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I need to detach from everything and start over. Living out the confusion and waiting for the clear.

It’s nice to thought it out, even if it is messy.

xo

I’m An Urban Angel

life, thoughts

fondestmemories2_1024x1024I did not eat all day today because I was upset & I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I was serving the homeless fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and cream of corn. I didn’t even consciously take myself to volunteer. I was already helping a friend downtown but found myself stopping at the Connection Housing on the way home.

It was torture on my stomach smelling the food and it was distressing enough to start giving me a headache. I felt a little dizzy & I wanted to eat so bad but not before knowing everyone else had their food and if they wanted seconds that they could.Β What was even harder is tonight I was behind the line placing food on the plates and usuallyΒ I’m on the floor serving.

My favorite part about volunteering are the tablesβ€”the opportunity to listen, exchange stories, and witness someone smile when I know they’re in a tough spot. If someone can smile while they struggle then why should anyone else complain? I was so thankful that my friend behind the line made me a plate of food and then told me to join the residents because he knew how much I loved it.

“It’s the people we hardly know, and not our closest friends, who will improve our lives most dramatically.” I’ve started reading a new book “The Defining Decade,” by Meg Jay, PhD. Tonight I found myself hungry for a lot of things.

When I sat at my random table of choice I started conversation to those who were willing to talk. The woman to my left was kind of disinterested and the two men to my right were busy eating. But the two guys across the table found interest in speaking with me. One of the men asked me how long I’d been in the program and when I told him I was just a volunteer he looked very puzzled. He asked me why I would want to volunteer and why I would want to sit and eat with them. All I could say was because I wanted to. He ended up being so curious about me that we sat at the table long after everyone had left. He wanted to talk and share his story and I loved every minute of it.

“I wonder if the people who can turn a door knob and switch a light are even grateful,” he said. And I said that I wondered too but that it wasn’t important that we compare ourselves to others. He said that people needed to be more humbled and I agreed. We learned a lot from each other tonight and I never got his name but I am so very thankful for the conversation because while he may not be aware of my struggles heΒ brought a lot of clarity to myself. And as I try to honestly acceptΒ a realization I have trouble not being scared and letting go.

At one point in our conversation I told him about how stubborn I was. He asked me what my zodiac sign was and I told him I was a Leo. He chuckled and proceeded to tell me that I knew how to hear and not listen. I told him about how even when sometimes people share a piece of advice with me I sometimes do the oppositeΒ anyway. And I corrected his assumption of me only hearing and told him that I do listen. Sometimes I listen too much and I get so overwhelmed it makes me forget, ironically. I listen to piece of advice, take consideration of my risks, and if it ends horribly I accept the consequences. I don’t blame others for my mistakes or complain over it. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, especially in this last year, but I’ve held myself accountable. And if I’ve learned the hard way at least I’m learning and moving forward with it.

I’m really starting to be aware everyday just how much we all struggle, all hypocrisies, all judge, all disappoint and are all so imperfect. Aside from God we’ll never be perfect but we should never give up trying to be our best examples. Volunteering was something I choose to do on my own. I didn’t have parents who made me do it to find perspective or learn a lesson about where I could end up. But it’s nights like tonight where I’m convinced that every interaction through out our lives will be of importance and that happiness is only real when shared. And I am happy to share myself even if it is a slow progress. I find that the older I get the less I care for what others think of me & let the people who love me move forward with me in life.

Sharky Waters.

life, thoughts

People can beΒ aggressive, territorial and the most intricate of hunters. ThisΒ world it sometimes motions like sharky waters.adventure_large

“And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive.” (her video is at the end of thisΒ blog posting). After rereading and listening to the poem, of which I’ve done it a million times, it surfaces new meaning and it helps me find a moment of clarity.

I have a habit to believe the best intentions of everyone which isn’t always the best, but if I had to choose it would be the luminous. My boyfriend told me that I am naive, and he almost had me convinced. I hate it. This feelingβ€”I’m happy and sad and strong and weak and certain and uncertain and excited and anxious and every unexplained emotion collided. It’s the best kind of motion sickness. Or is it a false understanding of what a relationship is?

I dream of writing to the stature of Sarah Kay. I want my words to stretch as far as the best kind of hug imagine. I want to timelesslyΒ secure comfort to several situations by providing insight to meaning that others will discover on their own. One day myΒ words will be borrowed for clarity or strength in situations I will never know or understand. I’ll contribute beyond myself and continue to be proud of the ink my pages add to our stories, our mankind.

Recently a retired number lit the screen of my phone and my initial thoughts had no goodΒ intentions. My thoughts reminded meΒ that everyone has or will swim in murky waters. And it will always be individual decision as to whether or not to sink teeth, because even though this is all metaphorical we can’t escape being human.

“You keep throwing people away for being the very same thing you are, Human.”

I was almost convinced I am naive because I’ve been caught in a rip current. I’ve been pulled off shore, and for a while I’ve been unable to keep afloat, well at least it has felt that way. The shore has always been in focus and my swimming skills haven’t been the strongest, but I’ve been practicing. Sometimes I want things so bad that I push forward against the flow. My God am I stubborn.

Too many disappointments for the girl who seeks lyrical answer to:

“I want so badly to believe that ‘there is truth, that love is real.’

And I want life to every word to the extent that it’s absurd.”

It took exhaustion to make me listen. It took fear in sharky waters for me to realize that all I needed to do was take a right angle exit. I knew that when my phone lit the boy trying to contact me must have hit rock bottom. The current he was riding had finally spiraled his body to flesh against the reef and the scrapes were bleeding. It was as if in that moment I detected the blood and I was ready for kill. Thankfully I did not react to my emotions but let myself think. Who am I to judge and hate?

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Everyone in life considered significant will hurt, and I’m learning that everyday from past and present relationships. The hardest concept to grasp for me has been acceptance, understanding that the drift isn’t always a set course and that gradual or forced deviation allows us to lose ourselves.

Forgiving our mistakes and the mistakes of others while accepting the truth to move forward is often a hard swallow. Under the wrong circumstances anyone can drown in water, even puddles pose a threat. What’s scary is that drowning can occur so close to the shore and that focus can be a more simple battle if we aren’t so caught up in our own fears.Β “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.” Stop struggling and have confidence it your heart.Β “Because the truths may vary.”

I can only speak on behalf of myself, but it is my opinion that my boyfriend and I found each other in the rip.

My boyfriend, being the salesman that he is, always says “It isn’t what you say but how you say it.” And it is an interesting philosophyΒ to think about because I agree to the extent of every kind of language (i.e. voice, body, written..). And I’ve come to the decision that communication is the foundation of ALLΒ things. And because I want to influence positive change for myself and others I realize that I must strengthen my ability to communicate.

There is a lot of miscommunication/understanding going on in myΒ relationship, and we seem to find ourselves remaining off shore swimming against the rip, and we are becoming exhausted. The main focus we seem to share is to return to shoreΒ because the water has toothy neighbors and those blood-thirsty man eating beasts are on the hunt. Okay so it is probably dramatized with the “blood-thirsty man eating beasts,” but it doesn’t ease fear and our fears are very real. But we can’t let fear keep us from enjoying time in the water, so we are trying to set focus to the shore.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE AS OF NOW:

A lot.Β I always feel confused per usual, but I find that I am exactly where I need to be as the message reveals itself. Β I have never felt so much comfort in fear. It is so distracting as I am trying to understand myself better and my craft more to focus it all into a career I can perform passionately in. I am caught in the motions of life, and well that is not for me. When I really think about what I love it is creative word play. So I’ve decided while I get my life back to focus I’m going to practice my craft.

I’m moving back to Georgia. Life is very hectic.Β I’m remembering where my faith holds.Β “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”Β 

So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear.

Talking To Strangers

life, thoughts

hapy-friday-beautiful-art-for-arts-sake-L-efyYueI’m not sure what compelled me to turn my car around that day, good conversation or a gut feeling, but after I shifted to park I stepped out my car and just stood in front of his really nice BMW. I can’t tell you the series or year of its make, but I can tell you the body looked like a magazine ad – flirtatious and ornate. I could feel theΒ desire and appetite of prosperity in materialistic want. Not that wanting nice things is a bad, but I hate when I overcompensate in ambition. Balance in life is so delicate and trying to keep it healthy is a simple concept in a difficult practice.

I didn’t know this man outside of a brief conversation, but I hadΒ to know his story. Maybe I am crazy but when it comes to pursuing success I want it as bad as I want life to every word. And whatever it takes (within my moral concerns) I am going to do it.Β I stood in front of this mans car because my gut feeling told me our encounter would inspire a deeper reaction. These unexplained bold moves I dance to in life, the ones without a logical rationale, is my unconventional way of living. And I work to not take for granted the importance of my everyday interactions.

“The heart will know today what the mind will learn tomorrow.”

The windows were tinted and I could only peek in on this man’s mystery because the drivers side window was cracked. On the passenger seat his MacBook cushioned a fancier lifestyle than that of my own. A piece of machine with β€œhigher” status than me, program to move faster and established to characterize prestige. In my head I felt creepy like a stalker standing in front of a strangers car, but I knew my intentions and those weren’t creepy. I am glad I got his attention because whether he knows it or not he inspired me to further push my dream to a reality.

While stealthily pursuing answers to questions that I didn’t even know I had questions for I realized just how consumed the world has become to the digital age. This man’s laptop was his front seat passenger.Β His conversations wereΒ eye-strains on a screen and wavelengths with no facial expressions. We’re slowly becoming as artificial as diet soda, it’s a fake bubbly feeling. You know it’s almost as real as that compliment the lady in GivenchyΒ gave the woman wearing theΒ costume jewelry she bought off a grandma’s yard sale. I don’t understand why we like to dramatize, but we do, and to me that is just silly, as silly as my thoughts can train away.

It fascinates me what we allow ourselves to get consumed by. For example: a career that spends more time behind a screen than organically interacting with our own kind. Some people like to be subdue and work in the defined lines of a 9-5, they prefer the monotonous press for the dollar. And those are the people that remind me that not everyone thinks like me.

Anyway, I have dreams of owning my business, of promotingΒ sustainable life practices, re-inspiringΒ human interaction, helping others and spreading happiness. IΒ want to be the best human I can be even in my imperfections. I want to re-establish relationships and influence our connection to one another because that is how much I love people. And my God do I have a long road ahead of myself, but thank God the right people have been placed in my life to get me through.

It’s amazing how a gut feeling can press you forward on an impulse and it’sΒ odd how life reveals itself to its ownΒ grinding gears. I’ve convinced myself that success is foundΒ inΒ the things you love so long as you work for, at, and with it. “Keep hard working at it and you’ll be fine,” said the man in an email after we exchanged contact info. and kept in touch.

The biggest resistance I face, we all face, are the reactions we have towards our thoughts working against our dreams. It’s a challenge that will never get easier, and we’ll face for the rest of our lives, but we will get stronger and we will get through it. We have to.

I’m convinced that the best opportunities exist anywhere you choose to make people believe it exists. It’s deciding where people most inspire you and fulfill the love you need to create that dream.

One Year, One Month, And 25 days of California (LIFE UPDATE)

  1. Obviously I am in a relationship. I love it so much that I hate it. I am now in that obnoxiously cute andΒ head over heel. It’s silly because for me I am so happy it’s suspicious to my own feelings. Why is that? I think it’s because what builds us up can easily tear us down and that’s a fear to react to.
  2. I moved to a new part of San Diego, North Park, I LOVE the location and my roommates. I miss La Jolla and I miss my Carabear but at least both are within reasonable distance for a visit πŸ™‚ Also my best friend from Atlanta will be moving here for the summer and will be 1 mile away from mi casa!
  3. I still have 3 jobs, but I’m trying to shed that down and refocus my life and business plans.
  4. I am still following my New Year’s Resolutions pretty closely… there has been minor adjustments to the plan but that’s life, right? Whatever it takes for the results.
  5. Β badda dee badda dee badda that’s all folks… at least all I’m willing to share right now.