Mission on Muchness

life, thoughts

“The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.”

We’ve all been down the rabbit hole once or a few times in our lives. Possibly a few times since this morning. 🙋🏻 Yes, me since sunrise with orbits of thoughts around my head.

It happens during interminable unproductive meetings. It maddens from the misery of a long un-prioritized task list. It materializes every time we complicate simplicity and tighten the noose of expectations.

The rabbit hole is the unproductive, undirected and chaotic mess of thoughts that paralyze our movement — it can be quite discomforting to progress because it feels like defeat and second guesses, something I’ve felt on and off the past couple months while soul searching my next career move and adjusting to my new life.

“You used to be much more… “muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”

If you’re like me, struggling to conceptualize what it is you truly, deep-down-in-your-heart want for the performance of your life, then you are probably not illustrating that which makes for your muchness. And the reason I say performance is because our stories can be rewritten and revised as we are the pen holders, or in my current situation the author behind the cursor.

Your muchness — the essence of your heart and the light in your soul, your plain and simple awesomeness. Your muchness is the fuel that drives you. It is your unique characteristics contributing to the world, your greatness. If you are missing your muchness then you are not moving forward living your best life, and you’re probably not furnishing your best you.

The world can slowly chip away at us as we grow up, and when we don’t slow down to become still and recognize it before letting ourselves react, we lose our muchness, much like myself. Because in the last 15 months my pedal has been floored, and I needed to pump the brakes on some things while I focused on other things and experienced new things.

I have been internally facing my own fears of taking such a long break away from my working career, but it’s been great for reflecting, travel, family and friends. My biggest fear has been judgement from others, and then I realize that I’m blessed with a husband that encourages me to not just take a job for the sake of a job, but to chase my dreams. It also doesn’t hurt that I did a good job chunking away some money to be able to take this break.

So how do we climb out the rabbit hole and move forward in a direction?

Here are 3 things I am figuring out:

  1. Find the roman candle in your heart. The desire that burns “exploding like spiders across the stars”. Thank you Jack Kerouac for your shared words. Your muchness is uniquely your own. When something ignites the joy within you make time for it. This life is not a practice run. It is a one time experienced marathon, and everything good that is shared took time to be created and worked meticulously on.
  2. Create your discipline. I’ve learned, and not the for first time, probably not the last, creating discipline takes time and it will be the propensity of your heart that will overcome the suffering you will inevitably feel in the practice. Just keep going and know that you are not alone. Habits are hard, both to break and create. Remember to not compare your stride to someone else’s step. I have a strong love hate relationship with discipline.
  3. Take opportunity. That saying, “the world is your oyster,” you were intended to create meaning of enjoyment for yourself. The way you create meaning is to experience things. The way you experience things is to do things. The rabbit hole keeps you from doing things if you stay in it too long.

Remember: while moral support may show up in a letter, during a phone call, or in a conversation with a stranger on a park bench, only you can show up to the door and walk through it. Get out the rabbit hole and move with muchness.

I’ve come to realize that progress is uniquely our own experience. It overcomes our own barriers and succeeds by our own operation. I’ve been identifying my barriers so that I may work through them, and I have a lot of barriers. And progress, it yields its own time. There are no hacks or a fast forward button.

For me the roman candle in my heart is writing. The discipline is not there, so I’ve been seeking out writing friends for accountability, signing up for courses, and now remaking a commitment to myself to write more. As for opportunity I have one that I need to take better advantage of.

Write more,


The “Those People”



Before Austin and I got married we did counseling to have his grandmother’s pastor ordain us. Austin was a little hesitant because he believes “if it’s not broken it doesn’t need to be fixed.” Allowing someone into our personal space was almost like a threat, except maybe not to the extremity of that word. Perhaps an open door to unwanted opportunities? I couldn’t tell you what the right words are.

I, too, believe in protecting your relationship and keeping others out of it. The sentiment of others, especially loved ones, sometimes has the capacity to influence your personal opinion and emotion, which occasionally opens up the possible wedge of animosity in your relationship. Comparing and judging yourself against other people’s thoughts can be dangerous. I also believe that the experience and opinions of others, especially wise elders, are necessary to appreciate.

A conversation I absorbed from Charles (the pastor) was about people of the church and how they impacted his life tremendously. After experiencing multiple losses, the passing of loved ones, he formed his own opinion about people of the church.

He said, “Those people will be there when no one knows the answers. There will be days when you wn’t have it in you to rejoice and those people will be there to rejoice for you. And there will be days those people won’t have it in them to rejoice and you can help them.”

When I think of the statement “those people” it seems to have a stigma. You know, those people who are filthy rich and have everything handed to them. Those people who are poor and lazy. Those people who are obese and worthless. Those people who are privileged by their skin color. Those people who have perfect hair and are so impressively polished, I hate them. Those people and the stigma of those.

When I think about what Charles shared with Austin and I, those people seem quite admirable. Those people are human. Those people are the kind of people I seek to have in my life because they will love you unconditionally. Those people do not have to be found in a church but can also be found in a good community. We should all seek more of “those people.”

Shame on you, you’re the problem…

life, thoughts

Here I am, in my new home of Brooklyn, sitting on my bed with cow socks on wondering what I am doing with my life. I’ve joined the problem because I am no closer to any goals I have set for myself, and I am doing nothing of significance towards a positive impact. In fact, I don’t even have a tangible outline to hold myself accountable for anything or even understand what direction I am headed.

Accountable. I see so many people blaming, sharing hate, and having an obligatory sense of superior belief on social media platforms, and it makes me have a deep sense of self reflection. I lazily consume the nonsense as I scroll my newsfeed (A.k.a. drama media). Again, I am no closer to achieving my goals or doing something of positive impact. Like every person yelling to the wind on their Facebook novel feeds or long threaded tweets, we are no step closer to a resolution. So, with the cloudy view of Manhattan from my window, I have decided that I am going to create rather than consume. I am going to do the things that make me happy so that I may help myself in order to help others.

The world is undeniably broken. Cutting deeply with unkind words is harmful. Reacting to stupidity on an emotional level is fuel to the naysayers and ends up being more hurtful to you. The more hate imposed on stubborn people, the more stubborn people will shell up and not listen to perspective. Things need to be discussed, but there has to be a stop to leaving people down. No one in this world is pure and perfect, and avoiding people for their mistakes will leave you feeling alone.

It amazes me when I see people advocating for “more love” because the same people advocating more love don’t seem to be willing to love the people they hate. Real love is tough and overcomes its own animosity. Real love doesn’t hate because it is “over it.”

I get it, there is a problem. Everyone is responding with pain, suffering and loss. It’s hard to see in the moment of suffering, but ugly things in the heart must be overcome. It’s okay to hurt, but it severely has the world disoriented. I don’t agree with statements like “you’re the problem” and “shame on you.”


The non-friend, the half friend, and the full friend


I’ve been blessed to have a large non-traditional family, and while we’ve fallen apart a few times we’ve never give up on each other, and we’ve never stop sharing unconditional love. I’ve been blessed to have more than just blood family, but I have grown up with several other families that too share the same unconditional love. I cannot wait until I have a family of my own because they will most certainly be the greatest joy to share on this earth.

As the infamous blue alien said, “Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.” Here’s to family and the story of the non-friend, half friend, and the full friend.


(yes, that is my amazing art skills!)

A few nights ago I was face timing my nephews. My youngest nephew had just turned 6 on Sunday and my sister forgot to call me back when I tried to wish him a happy birthday. I already missed two important birthdays this year (mom and best friend) and that was horrible enough. It’s been a difficult year for me having been through so much change, my heads been off somewhere. It’s not a great excuse and I feel awful, but I can only do better moving forward. Thank God for the amazing humans in my life that stick it out no matter what.

Anyway, so I’m face timing my nephew that just turned 6 when his older brother takes drive of the phone and conversation. I ended up having a 40 minute good life conversation with my 10 year old nephew. To warm you up to his awesomeness I’ll start the conversation from the beginning.

Walking me through his home my nephew wanted to show me all the changes since renovating their “fixer upper.”  When my sister and her family had first moved into their home the entire family lived in one room while they renovated and my nephew was proud to show me what he helped build. The best part of the tour was the front yard. On a dark screen (because it was night) my nephew showed me the laser lamps that protected the house from bears, zombies, bad guys, and things listed to that nature.

10511134_10152524712727492_1466648681999982174_n (my youngest nephew is an artist)

I’d imagine those laser lights kept those large creatures in my nephews chalk art out.

Hugo means a very huge creature per my 10 year old nephew, and this will include dinosaurs, fable story giants, and chicken? We determined a chicken could not be considered a Hugo. We talked about how he was going to become a scientist because he loves math and science. My nephew has been saying he wanted to be a scientist since he was like 4 and it is amazing his answer remains the same. He said, “I’m just going to have to do it and make it a life and it’ll be great.” He shortly after explained an analogy of the world. The world is a ball and we are all fleas.

By this point my sister was interrupting because she was shocked we were still on the phone and it was almost 10 pm (he had school the next day). His response to my sister was “we’re having great life conversation.” He was right. He is the best conversation I’ve had in awhile.

So where do the non-friend, half friend, and full friends come from?

When we talked about school my nephew told me all about his friends… the semi and the non-friends. I asked him to further clarify what each classification meant. And he did!


The non-friend is the person who doesn’t want to be your friend. Typically, this person is rude and you don’t really know what their deal is. As my nephew would say “I’m a nice guy and I have many friends.”


These are the friends that are friends but can sometimes be rude. When these friends are rude you can only be friends half the time.


The full friend is your nice friend. The friend that is not rude. In my nephews case, it is the friend he is creating a comic book with. They have the characters and the plan to draw it out and share it with the world.

I’ve been blessed to have a large family and many good, funny, hard, silly, and loving life conversations. This conversation was important because my heart needed some reviving and my nephew reminded me how silly, fun, and inspiring the world truly is. My eye lashes are applauding 🙂


Difficulty Index

life, thoughts

It’s been awhile since I’ve dabbled on this blog. It’s been awhile since I’ve been myself. I’ve been feeling like Pigpen for awhile, but I’m ready for the sun-cut ribbons of Dawn. I’m trying to get back to myself.

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard this ad endorse “delicious consequence.” I think it was a Dunkin’ Donuts ad, but I am not sure. After hearing the ad all I could think about is how humans measure by behavior modifications.

Firs off, that’s weird, right? I am not sure what set my mind off, but it certainly switched gears from singing off-key with Tay Bae Bae (Taylor Swift 1989) to mental meandering. And that’s when I knew it was time to recalibrate.

I have a somewhat habit to justify the goodness of things instead of discipline, and I think that reigns truth for everyone. It’s really funny for me to look back on some of my old blogs and read the mental shift of my stupidity (talk about young and in dumb).

Seriously, I express such mixed messages. I believe in my own standards. The beautiful thing about wrestling with truth is that vulnerability reinforces just how human I am. What’s even more beautiful is the love I receive in acceptance of my weak and fragile.

This past year I was caught in a rip current (you can read about some of it HERE). I wasn’t kidding when I said life was pretty hectic. It has taken me almost a year to recover from moving back to Georgia. I have been in a constant strive and struggle to have control. I’ve been conforming and following my own understanding of “adulting” (working full-time, investing in savings, owning stuff… kinda), all the distractions of unimportant labor. I say unimportant because recently I’ve realized that this past year I haven’t been performing life with passion. Don’t get me wrong, adulting is very necessary, but it’s not everything. I only have one life to live and I’m not sure I’m living to my full potential. It’s been a lot of distrust for grace and peace.

“Those who trust to their own righteousness and strength, and think they can do without Christ, make flesh their arm, and their souls cannot prosper in graces or comforts.” – Jeremiah 17:5

We add words to justify the goodness of things instead of discipline ourselves. I guess lately I’ve been questioning my practice.

“Sometimes I am afraid of being judged by who I associate with and that is dumb. I’m seriously going to work on these silly fears, but I’m not sure how yet. What I do know is that I shouldn’t be scared and I can be anyone I want to be.”

A blog is a curse and blessing. A curse because it makes the writer vulnerable, and depending on the content, it’s a reminder of who we are and where we’ve been. It’s a blessing for all the same reasons. My life has been so difficult lately because I haven’t been making decisions, and when I have made decions the thoughts weren’t entirely my own.This blog and my journals most certainly index my difficulties. Mid-twenties got me all:


I need to detach from everything and start over. Living out the confusion and waiting for the clear.

It’s nice to thought it out, even if it is messy.


I’m An Urban Angel

life, thoughts

fondestmemories2_1024x1024I did not eat all day today because I was upset & I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I was serving the homeless fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and cream of corn. I didn’t even consciously take myself to volunteer. I was already helping a friend downtown but found myself stopping at the Connection Housing on the way home.

It was torture on my stomach smelling the food and it was distressing enough to start giving me a headache. I felt a little dizzy & I wanted to eat so bad but not before knowing everyone else had their food and if they wanted seconds that they could. What was even harder is tonight I was behind the line placing food on the plates and usually I’m on the floor serving.

My favorite part about volunteering are the tables—the opportunity to listen, exchange stories, and witness someone smile when I know they’re in a tough spot. If someone can smile while they struggle then why should anyone else complain? I was so thankful that my friend behind the line made me a plate of food and then told me to join the residents because he knew how much I loved it.

“It’s the people we hardly know, and not our closest friends, who will improve our lives most dramatically.” I’ve started reading a new book “The Defining Decade,” by Meg Jay, PhD. Tonight I found myself hungry for a lot of things.

When I sat at my random table of choice I started conversation to those who were willing to talk. The woman to my left was kind of disinterested and the two men to my right were busy eating. But the two guys across the table found interest in speaking with me. One of the men asked me how long I’d been in the program and when I told him I was just a volunteer he looked very puzzled. He asked me why I would want to volunteer and why I would want to sit and eat with them. All I could say was because I wanted to. He ended up being so curious about me that we sat at the table long after everyone had left. He wanted to talk and share his story and I loved every minute of it.

“I wonder if the people who can turn a door knob and switch a light are even grateful,” he said. And I said that I wondered too but that it wasn’t important that we compare ourselves to others. He said that people needed to be more humbled and I agreed. We learned a lot from each other tonight and I never got his name but I am so very thankful for the conversation because while he may not be aware of my struggles he brought a lot of clarity to myself. And as I try to honestly accept a realization I have trouble not being scared and letting go.

At one point in our conversation I told him about how stubborn I was. He asked me what my zodiac sign was and I told him I was a Leo. He chuckled and proceeded to tell me that I knew how to hear and not listen. I told him about how even when sometimes people share a piece of advice with me I sometimes do the opposite anyway. And I corrected his assumption of me only hearing and told him that I do listen. Sometimes I listen too much and I get so overwhelmed it makes me forget, ironically. I listen to piece of advice, take consideration of my risks, and if it ends horribly I accept the consequences. I don’t blame others for my mistakes or complain over it. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, especially in this last year, but I’ve held myself accountable. And if I’ve learned the hard way at least I’m learning and moving forward with it.

I’m really starting to be aware everyday just how much we all struggle, all hypocrisies, all judge, all disappoint and are all so imperfect. Aside from God we’ll never be perfect but we should never give up trying to be our best examples. Volunteering was something I choose to do on my own. I didn’t have parents who made me do it to find perspective or learn a lesson about where I could end up. But it’s nights like tonight where I’m convinced that every interaction through out our lives will be of importance and that happiness is only real when shared. And I am happy to share myself even if it is a slow progress. I find that the older I get the less I care for what others think of me & let the people who love me move forward with me in life.

Sharky Waters.

life, thoughts

People can be aggressive, territorial and the most intricate of hunters. This world it sometimes motions like sharky waters.adventure_large

“And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive.” (her video is at the end of this blog posting). After rereading and listening to the poem, of which I’ve done it a million times, it surfaces new meaning and it helps me find a moment of clarity.

I have a habit to believe the best intentions of everyone which isn’t always the best, but if I had to choose it would be the luminous. My boyfriend told me that I am naive, and he almost had me convinced. I hate it. This feeling—I’m happy and sad and strong and weak and certain and uncertain and excited and anxious and every unexplained emotion collided. It’s the best kind of motion sickness. Or is it a false understanding of what a relationship is?

I dream of writing to the stature of Sarah Kay. I want my words to stretch as far as the best kind of hug imagine. I want to timelessly secure comfort to several situations by providing insight to meaning that others will discover on their own. One day my words will be borrowed for clarity or strength in situations I will never know or understand. I’ll contribute beyond myself and continue to be proud of the ink my pages add to our stories, our mankind.

Recently a retired number lit the screen of my phone and my initial thoughts had no good intentions. My thoughts reminded me that everyone has or will swim in murky waters. And it will always be individual decision as to whether or not to sink teeth, because even though this is all metaphorical we can’t escape being human.

“You keep throwing people away for being the very same thing you are, Human.”

I was almost convinced I am naive because I’ve been caught in a rip current. I’ve been pulled off shore, and for a while I’ve been unable to keep afloat, well at least it has felt that way. The shore has always been in focus and my swimming skills haven’t been the strongest, but I’ve been practicing. Sometimes I want things so bad that I push forward against the flow. My God am I stubborn.

Too many disappointments for the girl who seeks lyrical answer to:

“I want so badly to believe that ‘there is truth, that love is real.’

And I want life to every word to the extent that it’s absurd.”

It took exhaustion to make me listen. It took fear in sharky waters for me to realize that all I needed to do was take a right angle exit. I knew that when my phone lit the boy trying to contact me must have hit rock bottom. The current he was riding had finally spiraled his body to flesh against the reef and the scrapes were bleeding. It was as if in that moment I detected the blood and I was ready for kill. Thankfully I did not react to my emotions but let myself think. Who am I to judge and hate?


Everyone in life considered significant will hurt, and I’m learning that everyday from past and present relationships. The hardest concept to grasp for me has been acceptance, understanding that the drift isn’t always a set course and that gradual or forced deviation allows us to lose ourselves.

Forgiving our mistakes and the mistakes of others while accepting the truth to move forward is often a hard swallow. Under the wrong circumstances anyone can drown in water, even puddles pose a threat. What’s scary is that drowning can occur so close to the shore and that focus can be a more simple battle if we aren’t so caught up in our own fears. “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.” Stop struggling and have confidence it your heart. “Because the truths may vary.”

I can only speak on behalf of myself, but it is my opinion that my boyfriend and I found each other in the rip.

My boyfriend, being the salesman that he is, always says “It isn’t what you say but how you say it.” And it is an interesting philosophy to think about because I agree to the extent of every kind of language (i.e. voice, body, written..). And I’ve come to the decision that communication is the foundation of ALL things. And because I want to influence positive change for myself and others I realize that I must strengthen my ability to communicate.

There is a lot of miscommunication/understanding going on in my relationship, and we seem to find ourselves remaining off shore swimming against the rip, and we are becoming exhausted. The main focus we seem to share is to return to shore because the water has toothy neighbors and those blood-thirsty man eating beasts are on the hunt. Okay so it is probably dramatized with the “blood-thirsty man eating beasts,” but it doesn’t ease fear and our fears are very real. But we can’t let fear keep us from enjoying time in the water, so we are trying to set focus to the shore.


A lot. I always feel confused per usual, but I find that I am exactly where I need to be as the message reveals itself.  I have never felt so much comfort in fear. It is so distracting as I am trying to understand myself better and my craft more to focus it all into a career I can perform passionately in. I am caught in the motions of life, and well that is not for me. When I really think about what I love it is creative word play. So I’ve decided while I get my life back to focus I’m going to practice my craft.

I’m moving back to Georgia. Life is very hectic. I’m remembering where my faith holds. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” 

So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear.

Talking To Strangers

life, thoughts

hapy-friday-beautiful-art-for-arts-sake-L-efyYueI’m not sure what compelled me to turn my car around that day, good conversation or a gut feeling, but after I shifted to park I stepped out my car and just stood in front of his really nice BMW. I can’t tell you the series or year of its make, but I can tell you the body looked like a magazine ad – flirtatious and ornate. I could feel the desire and appetite of prosperity in materialistic want. Not that wanting nice things is a bad, but I hate when I overcompensate in ambition. Balance in life is so delicate and trying to keep it healthy is a simple concept in a difficult practice.

I didn’t know this man outside of a brief conversation, but I had to know his story. Maybe I am crazy but when it comes to pursuing success I want it as bad as I want life to every word. And whatever it takes (within my moral concerns) I am going to do it. I stood in front of this mans car because my gut feeling told me our encounter would inspire a deeper reaction. These unexplained bold moves I dance to in life, the ones without a logical rationale, is my unconventional way of living. And I work to not take for granted the importance of my everyday interactions.

“The heart will know today what the mind will learn tomorrow.”

The windows were tinted and I could only peek in on this man’s mystery because the drivers side window was cracked. On the passenger seat his MacBook cushioned a fancier lifestyle than that of my own. A piece of machine with “higher” status than me, program to move faster and established to characterize prestige. In my head I felt creepy like a stalker standing in front of a strangers car, but I knew my intentions and those weren’t creepy. I am glad I got his attention because whether he knows it or not he inspired me to further push my dream to a reality.

While stealthily pursuing answers to questions that I didn’t even know I had questions for I realized just how consumed the world has become to the digital age. This man’s laptop was his front seat passenger. His conversations were eye-strains on a screen and wavelengths with no facial expressions. We’re slowly becoming as artificial as diet soda, it’s a fake bubbly feeling. You know it’s almost as real as that compliment the lady in Givenchy gave the woman wearing the costume jewelry she bought off a grandma’s yard sale. I don’t understand why we like to dramatize, but we do, and to me that is just silly, as silly as my thoughts can train away.

It fascinates me what we allow ourselves to get consumed by. For example: a career that spends more time behind a screen than organically interacting with our own kind. Some people like to be subdue and work in the defined lines of a 9-5, they prefer the monotonous press for the dollar. And those are the people that remind me that not everyone thinks like me.

Anyway, I have dreams of owning my business, of promoting sustainable life practices, re-inspiring human interaction, helping others and spreading happiness. I want to be the best human I can be even in my imperfections. I want to re-establish relationships and influence our connection to one another because that is how much I love people. And my God do I have a long road ahead of myself, but thank God the right people have been placed in my life to get me through.

It’s amazing how a gut feeling can press you forward on an impulse and it’s odd how life reveals itself to its own grinding gears. I’ve convinced myself that success is found in the things you love so long as you work for, at, and with it. “Keep hard working at it and you’ll be fine,” said the man in an email after we exchanged contact info. and kept in touch.

The biggest resistance I face, we all face, are the reactions we have towards our thoughts working against our dreams. It’s a challenge that will never get easier, and we’ll face for the rest of our lives, but we will get stronger and we will get through it. We have to.

I’m convinced that the best opportunities exist anywhere you choose to make people believe it exists. It’s deciding where people most inspire you and fulfill the love you need to create that dream.

One Year, One Month, And 25 days of California (LIFE UPDATE)

  1. Obviously I am in a relationship. I love it so much that I hate it. I am now in that obnoxiously cute and head over heel. It’s silly because for me I am so happy it’s suspicious to my own feelings. Why is that? I think it’s because what builds us up can easily tear us down and that’s a fear to react to.
  2. I moved to a new part of San Diego, North Park, I LOVE the location and my roommates. I miss La Jolla and I miss my Carabear but at least both are within reasonable distance for a visit 🙂 Also my best friend from Atlanta will be moving here for the summer and will be 1 mile away from mi casa!
  3. I still have 3 jobs, but I’m trying to shed that down and refocus my life and business plans.
  4. I am still following my New Year’s Resolutions pretty closely… there has been minor adjustments to the plan but that’s life, right? Whatever it takes for the results.
  5.  badda dee badda dee badda that’s all folks… at least all I’m willing to share right now.

Guidelines To Happy


There is nothing that is free. Free is a silly word and a lot of people favor it, even myself sometimes. I say sometimes because my collection of freebies clutter my life and that annoys me, but other than that I tend to enjoy the things that associate with free. Free is a desire to be lazy – a way to get what we want with no work but the truth is free does not exist.


…I have my own understanding of truths and what is real. The statement to the left is on point.

Everything in life is an exchange and the gauge of our efforts are our own.  I measure success by cultivation of relationship(s) because good relationships are what make me happy. My greatest investments are the people of my life. Even the action of breathing is an exchange, and I’m thankful that the most important people of my life make me gasp for it.

Here are my Guidelines to Happy:

1) Pick Your Influence – You ARE the greater interactions of your life. The people you invest your time with impact your character, personality, and overall being. Stop hanging with the complainers and the haters because they are a waste of time. There is no fulfillment in having the life sucked out of you and negative people leech your soul. Plus the advanced pessimists make you question yourself in the worst kind of way and that is just silly.

2) Define Personal Values – The standards you choose to live will pilot your decisions…

3) Make A Decision –  Stick to it. Use your values as a guide and work relentlessly towards what you want. And learn to bend because it is rare that everything idealized is achieved first try… or even second or third. As my dad would say “quit yer b*tchin.” If you want something don’t waste your time complaining

4) Treasure Trove Support – Learn to network crochet and fancy stitch that sh*t in a way that not even the sharks gnawing the threads could blade through. Cultivate the relationships that matter. The people who find pleasure in just knowing you are a catch and so are you, secure it.

5) Get Uncomfortable – Being too comfortable gears us in a routine motion. It keeps us off our toe and allows an easy acceptance of things. It’s boring, unchallenging, and stunts life’s learning curve. We should be curious and testing in life. Also comfortable leads to lazy and free does not exist.

6) Play – I don’t care how old you get…hide and seek, board games, coloring, dancing, kite flying, and pretend will always be fun. Life doesn’t have to be wound up in taught restraints of “being an adult.” Play will always be my favorite process of learning.

Life is difficult in its complexity. If you want to be happy find the things that make you happy and don’t let it go. Understand that even the things that make you happy will make you sad and the things you love will make you hate.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”

― Elie Wiesel

Real happiness is in love. You have to live passionately to find it. When you find that happy commit to it and never give up on it. Happiness is something that will have to continually be earned and that’s the truth.


The Counter Intuitive Argument

life, thoughts

You can’t please everyone.

Something I’ve always known but never realized the disappointment of until recently. People judge the f*ck out of each other. We’re human, but must we be so hateful in disagreement? Because what is considered right or wrong but our own understandings identified to the words. And whoever gave anyone the right to belittle another except themselves. Why would anyone ever want to befriend a hater? Sometimes I get so carried away in thoughts — it’s ridiculous.

I’ve been thinking a little too much about counter intuitive arguments. Inspired by silly little blogs and responses, news, stories from friends, and even my own performances… that I must mention I apologize for when I realize that I react too soon to my emotions. It’s amazing how infectious human attitude is.

One of my personal flaws is my lacerating words when hurt or angry, my ability to gut another for their weakness if I know it.  I don’t really do that anymore because I keep growing and it helps that I realized the short fuse at a very young age. It has and will always be a conscientious effort to not be cruel because that is not the person I want to be. I’ve known my entire life that I wanted to impact the life of another positively. And years later I’ve realized that I do and of an audience greater than I could have expected.

If people didn’t speak on behalf of their prerogative and always accepted things for what they were and just kind of floated day by day… I personally would think they were boring. So what if there is disagreement in belief or outrageous ideas. Listen and share the floor with an open mind. Using language like “you suck” or “you’re stupid” or even “hate” holds no credibility to your argument because it displays 2 things: inability to argue and fragility.

How can anything be resolved with a close mind? Or when people ignore one another and just don’t care. Change for the better will never happen until time is mutually respected and active listening is real. It won’t happen until honesty has a brave heart and people learn to accept in love. And I’m not talking hippy love, I’m talking about real love that is understanding, nurturing, tough, willing, and kind.

Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of disappointment from my intake of observation. I am at a weird place for understanding because I have situations that have me second guessing my own consideration of truth. But when I allow myself to pull away from the things that cause me confusion and reflect and actually think about it. I still think I’m right.

We will spend a lifetime practicing:

  • Our Craft
  • Our Priciples
  • Decision Making
  • Time Management

…. Life in general.

And I’m realizing that we will never find perfection because our ideas will always push for more. And our desires will only grow to every accomplished goal. And I couldn’t agree more with Christopher McCandless as he simply wrote, “Happiness is only real when shared.”

And my thoughts will always be wild, adaptive,

momentarily confused and flourishing.

The scenarios in our head can be so much better than real life, which is why imagination should be endorsed as it inspires, it escapes, it creates, it makes us think and it can lead us to happiness. Not to mention, it’s exciting! And fairy tales don’t have to be fairy tales because we can guide our own decisions and create the world we wish to live in. So really we should never be bored, unless we’re boring… that’s what I’ve decided atleast. And the ability to decide will determine personal success because the decisions you follow through on passionately will happen.

And MY GOD is 25 peculiar in the brain. Not that it wasn’t as a tween or teen, but the wiring is definitely circuiting differently.

Speaking of awkward teen year I just wrote my 14-year-old niece this message, which should serve me as a reminder of how I choose to life my life:

“You just be the best you and even if people are rude, you be kind. The only way change will happen is by example and years later (because sometimes that is how long it takes before you see results which is why you need patience) you’ll feel good about yourself and you’ll be that much stronger to handle anything. You have a very kind heart Destiny, don’t let people change that about you because they will try. And I came out with one bestest best friend out of high school and we had several huge fights and periods of not talking while we were growing up. Best friends don’t suck but there might be moments that suck and you’ll get through it if you truly love each other. PS I miss and love you! And I’m sending you a letter soon so expect it xo”

Just an update of my life for those interested:

1) I’ve almost been living in Calif. for a year now, unbelievable! It was never an initial plan but it happened. I think I’m making a positive impact because realistically, financially alone, being out here would not be possible. Incredible people are placed in my life to help me along the way, and then I’m convinced I’m exactly where I am so supposed to be for the time being. Individually I am growing substantially.

2) I might be crazy. I now have 4 jobs, 5 if you would include my volunteer work. Right now I work full-time for Wyndham as a Marketing Concierge. I continue to work part-time for Pacific Magazine as a Promotional Team Trainer and a weekly assistant to the promotions and marketing managers. I work very, super minimal, part-time for a promotions company called Green House Agency as a Promotions Specialist. And recently, like two days ago, I accepted work for an up starting company facilitating and creating social media content that will be monthly stipend…. most importantly I get creative freedom, a learning experience, and another build of a skill set. And well if we want to make it 5 I absolutely love my Urban Angels family and will continue to volunteer and write for them 🙂

3) I’m taking a breather from the boys because my timing always sucks or I meet guys that I know aren’t ready for a commitment… and I’m not talking marriage because that would be the ultimate commitment and the concept tied to the word is a little nauseating. I only say nauseating because I feel people idealize marriage but don’t consider the work behind it and are so easy to divorce… a road I never want walk. So I’d rather be patient and wait for what is right for me. I’m taking a break because I know I get impatient to share ideas, stories, and moments. And I am so desirous of what I want now that I refuse anything less of what I deserve. And my love life was pretty dramatic last year, so I’ve learned a lot from that hahah. My closest friends have or will hear the stories when the timing is right and we can share coffee or walks, so be patient for the next encounter loved ones!

4) Here was the final list of my New Year’s Resolutions:


5) My Best Friend came for Christmas and New Years 2013 and below are a couple photos of our fun adventures (yup we’re chicks and document that sh*t)

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Also – in the next year and a half or so I am moving abroad. It. Must. Happen. While I am a young little free bird 🙂