Sharky Waters.

life, thoughts

People can be aggressive, territorial and the most intricate of hunters. This world it sometimes motions like sharky waters.adventure_large

“And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive.” (her video is at the end of this blog posting). After rereading and listening to the poem, of which I’ve done it a million times, it surfaces new meaning and it helps me find a moment of clarity.

I have a habit to believe the best intentions of everyone which isn’t always the best, but if I had to choose it would be the luminous. My boyfriend told me that I am naive, and he almost had me convinced. I hate it. This feeling—I’m happy and sad and strong and weak and certain and uncertain and excited and anxious and every unexplained emotion collided. It’s the best kind of motion sickness. Or is it a false understanding of what a relationship is?

I dream of writing to the stature of Sarah Kay. I want my words to stretch as far as the best kind of hug imagine. I want to timelessly secure comfort to several situations by providing insight to meaning that others will discover on their own. One day my words will be borrowed for clarity or strength in situations I will never know or understand. I’ll contribute beyond myself and continue to be proud of the ink my pages add to our stories, our mankind.

Recently a retired number lit the screen of my phone and my initial thoughts had no good intentions. My thoughts reminded me that everyone has or will swim in murky waters. And it will always be individual decision as to whether or not to sink teeth, because even though this is all metaphorical we can’t escape being human.

“You keep throwing people away for being the very same thing you are, Human.”

I was almost convinced I am naive because I’ve been caught in a rip current. I’ve been pulled off shore, and for a while I’ve been unable to keep afloat, well at least it has felt that way. The shore has always been in focus and my swimming skills haven’t been the strongest, but I’ve been practicing. Sometimes I want things so bad that I push forward against the flow. My God am I stubborn.

Too many disappointments for the girl who seeks lyrical answer to:

“I want so badly to believe that ‘there is truth, that love is real.’

And I want life to every word to the extent that it’s absurd.”

It took exhaustion to make me listen. It took fear in sharky waters for me to realize that all I needed to do was take a right angle exit. I knew that when my phone lit the boy trying to contact me must have hit rock bottom. The current he was riding had finally spiraled his body to flesh against the reef and the scrapes were bleeding. It was as if in that moment I detected the blood and I was ready for kill. Thankfully I did not react to my emotions but let myself think. Who am I to judge and hate?

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Everyone in life considered significant will hurt, and I’m learning that everyday from past and present relationships. The hardest concept to grasp for me has been acceptance, understanding that the drift isn’t always a set course and that gradual or forced deviation allows us to lose ourselves.

Forgiving our mistakes and the mistakes of others while accepting the truth to move forward is often a hard swallow. Under the wrong circumstances anyone can drown in water, even puddles pose a threat. What’s scary is that drowning can occur so close to the shore and that focus can be a more simple battle if we aren’t so caught up in our own fears. “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.” Stop struggling and have confidence it your heart. “Because the truths may vary.”

I can only speak on behalf of myself, but it is my opinion that my boyfriend and I found each other in the rip.

My boyfriend, being the salesman that he is, always says “It isn’t what you say but how you say it.” And it is an interesting philosophy to think about because I agree to the extent of every kind of language (i.e. voice, body, written..). And I’ve come to the decision that communication is the foundation of ALL things. And because I want to influence positive change for myself and others I realize that I must strengthen my ability to communicate.

There is a lot of miscommunication/understanding going on in my relationship, and we seem to find ourselves remaining off shore swimming against the rip, and we are becoming exhausted. The main focus we seem to share is to return to shore because the water has toothy neighbors and those blood-thirsty man eating beasts are on the hunt. Okay so it is probably dramatized with the “blood-thirsty man eating beasts,” but it doesn’t ease fear and our fears are very real. But we can’t let fear keep us from enjoying time in the water, so we are trying to set focus to the shore.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE AS OF NOW:

A lot. I always feel confused per usual, but I find that I am exactly where I need to be as the message reveals itself.  I have never felt so much comfort in fear. It is so distracting as I am trying to understand myself better and my craft more to focus it all into a career I can perform passionately in. I am caught in the motions of life, and well that is not for me. When I really think about what I love it is creative word play. So I’ve decided while I get my life back to focus I’m going to practice my craft.

I’m moving back to Georgia. Life is very hectic. I’m remembering where my faith holds. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” 

So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear.

Talking To Strangers

life, thoughts

hapy-friday-beautiful-art-for-arts-sake-L-efyYueI’m not sure what compelled me to turn my car around that day, good conversation or a gut feeling, but after I shifted to park I stepped out my car and just stood in front of his really nice BMW. I can’t tell you the series or year of its make, but I can tell you the body looked like a magazine ad – flirtatious and ornate. I could feel the desire and appetite of prosperity in materialistic want. Not that wanting nice things is a bad, but I hate when I overcompensate in ambition. Balance in life is so delicate and trying to keep it healthy is a simple concept in a difficult practice.

I didn’t know this man outside of a brief conversation, but I had to know his story. Maybe I am crazy but when it comes to pursuing success I want it as bad as I want life to every word. And whatever it takes (within my moral concerns) I am going to do it. I stood in front of this mans car because my gut feeling told me our encounter would inspire a deeper reaction. These unexplained bold moves I dance to in life, the ones without a logical rationale, is my unconventional way of living. And I work to not take for granted the importance of my everyday interactions.

“The heart will know today what the mind will learn tomorrow.”

The windows were tinted and I could only peek in on this man’s mystery because the drivers side window was cracked. On the passenger seat his MacBook cushioned a fancier lifestyle than that of my own. A piece of machine with “higher” status than me, program to move faster and established to characterize prestige. In my head I felt creepy like a stalker standing in front of a strangers car, but I knew my intentions and those weren’t creepy. I am glad I got his attention because whether he knows it or not he inspired me to further push my dream to a reality.

While stealthily pursuing answers to questions that I didn’t even know I had questions for I realized just how consumed the world has become to the digital age. This man’s laptop was his front seat passenger. His conversations were eye-strains on a screen and wavelengths with no facial expressions. We’re slowly becoming as artificial as diet soda, it’s a fake bubbly feeling. You know it’s almost as real as that compliment the lady in Givenchy gave the woman wearing the costume jewelry she bought off a grandma’s yard sale. I don’t understand why we like to dramatize, but we do, and to me that is just silly, as silly as my thoughts can train away.

It fascinates me what we allow ourselves to get consumed by. For example: a career that spends more time behind a screen than organically interacting with our own kind. Some people like to be subdue and work in the defined lines of a 9-5, they prefer the monotonous press for the dollar. And those are the people that remind me that not everyone thinks like me.

Anyway, I have dreams of owning my business, of promoting sustainable life practices, re-inspiring human interaction, helping others and spreading happiness. I want to be the best human I can be even in my imperfections. I want to re-establish relationships and influence our connection to one another because that is how much I love people. And my God do I have a long road ahead of myself, but thank God the right people have been placed in my life to get me through.

It’s amazing how a gut feeling can press you forward on an impulse and it’s odd how life reveals itself to its own grinding gears. I’ve convinced myself that success is found in the things you love so long as you work for, at, and with it. “Keep hard working at it and you’ll be fine,” said the man in an email after we exchanged contact info. and kept in touch.

The biggest resistance I face, we all face, are the reactions we have towards our thoughts working against our dreams. It’s a challenge that will never get easier, and we’ll face for the rest of our lives, but we will get stronger and we will get through it. We have to.

I’m convinced that the best opportunities exist anywhere you choose to make people believe it exists. It’s deciding where people most inspire you and fulfill the love you need to create that dream.

One Year, One Month, And 25 days of California (LIFE UPDATE)

  1. Obviously I am in a relationship. I love it so much that I hate it. I am now in that obnoxiously cute and head over heel. It’s silly because for me I am so happy it’s suspicious to my own feelings. Why is that? I think it’s because what builds us up can easily tear us down and that’s a fear to react to.
  2. I moved to a new part of San Diego, North Park, I LOVE the location and my roommates. I miss La Jolla and I miss my Carabear but at least both are within reasonable distance for a visit 🙂 Also my best friend from Atlanta will be moving here for the summer and will be 1 mile away from mi casa!
  3. I still have 3 jobs, but I’m trying to shed that down and refocus my life and business plans.
  4. I am still following my New Year’s Resolutions pretty closely… there has been minor adjustments to the plan but that’s life, right? Whatever it takes for the results.
  5.  badda dee badda dee badda that’s all folks… at least all I’m willing to share right now.

Guidelines To Happy

thoughts

There is nothing that is free. Free is a silly word and a lot of people favor it, even myself sometimes. I say sometimes because my collection of freebies clutter my life and that annoys me, but other than that I tend to enjoy the things that associate with free. Free is a desire to be lazy – a way to get what we want with no work but the truth is free does not exist.

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…I have my own understanding of truths and what is real. The statement to the left is on point.

Everything in life is an exchange and the gauge of our efforts are our own.  I measure success by cultivation of relationship(s) because good relationships are what make me happy. My greatest investments are the people of my life. Even the action of breathing is an exchange, and I’m thankful that the most important people of my life make me gasp for it.

Here are my Guidelines to Happy:

1) Pick Your Influence – You ARE the greater interactions of your life. The people you invest your time with impact your character, personality, and overall being. Stop hanging with the complainers and the haters because they are a waste of time. There is no fulfillment in having the life sucked out of you and negative people leech your soul. Plus the advanced pessimists make you question yourself in the worst kind of way and that is just silly.

2) Define Personal Values – The standards you choose to live will pilot your decisions…

3) Make A Decision –  Stick to it. Use your values as a guide and work relentlessly towards what you want. And learn to bend because it is rare that everything idealized is achieved first try… or even second or third. As my dad would say “quit yer b*tchin.” If you want something don’t waste your time complaining

4) Treasure Trove Support – Learn to network crochet and fancy stitch that sh*t in a way that not even the sharks gnawing the threads could blade through. Cultivate the relationships that matter. The people who find pleasure in just knowing you are a catch and so are you, secure it.

5) Get Uncomfortable – Being too comfortable gears us in a routine motion. It keeps us off our toe and allows an easy acceptance of things. It’s boring, unchallenging, and stunts life’s learning curve. We should be curious and testing in life. Also comfortable leads to lazy and free does not exist.

6) Play – I don’t care how old you get…hide and seek, board games, coloring, dancing, kite flying, and pretend will always be fun. Life doesn’t have to be wound up in taught restraints of “being an adult.” Play will always be my favorite process of learning.

Life is difficult in its complexity. If you want to be happy find the things that make you happy and don’t let it go. Understand that even the things that make you happy will make you sad and the things you love will make you hate.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”

― Elie Wiesel

Real happiness is in love. You have to live passionately to find it. When you find that happy commit to it and never give up on it. Happiness is something that will have to continually be earned and that’s the truth.

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The Counter Intuitive Argument

life, thoughts

You can’t please everyone.

Something I’ve always known but never realized the disappointment of until recently. People judge the f*ck out of each other. We’re human, but must we be so hateful in disagreement? Because what is considered right or wrong but our own understandings identified to the words. And whoever gave anyone the right to belittle another except themselves. Why would anyone ever want to befriend a hater? Sometimes I get so carried away in thoughts — it’s ridiculous.

I’ve been thinking a little too much about counter intuitive arguments. Inspired by silly little blogs and responses, news, stories from friends, and even my own performances… that I must mention I apologize for when I realize that I react too soon to my emotions. It’s amazing how infectious human attitude is.

One of my personal flaws is my lacerating words when hurt or angry, my ability to gut another for their weakness if I know it.  I don’t really do that anymore because I keep growing and it helps that I realized the short fuse at a very young age. It has and will always be a conscientious effort to not be cruel because that is not the person I want to be. I’ve known my entire life that I wanted to impact the life of another positively. And years later I’ve realized that I do and of an audience greater than I could have expected.

If people didn’t speak on behalf of their prerogative and always accepted things for what they were and just kind of floated day by day… I personally would think they were boring. So what if there is disagreement in belief or outrageous ideas. Listen and share the floor with an open mind. Using language like “you suck” or “you’re stupid” or even “hate” holds no credibility to your argument because it displays 2 things: inability to argue and fragility.

How can anything be resolved with a close mind? Or when people ignore one another and just don’t care. Change for the better will never happen until time is mutually respected and active listening is real. It won’t happen until honesty has a brave heart and people learn to accept in love. And I’m not talking hippy love, I’m talking about real love that is understanding, nurturing, tough, willing, and kind.

Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of disappointment from my intake of observation. I am at a weird place for understanding because I have situations that have me second guessing my own consideration of truth. But when I allow myself to pull away from the things that cause me confusion and reflect and actually think about it. I still think I’m right.

We will spend a lifetime practicing:

  • Our Craft
  • Our Priciples
  • Decision Making
  • Time Management

…. Life in general.

And I’m realizing that we will never find perfection because our ideas will always push for more. And our desires will only grow to every accomplished goal. And I couldn’t agree more with Christopher McCandless as he simply wrote, “Happiness is only real when shared.”

And my thoughts will always be wild, adaptive,

momentarily confused and flourishing.

The scenarios in our head can be so much better than real life, which is why imagination should be endorsed as it inspires, it escapes, it creates, it makes us think and it can lead us to happiness. Not to mention, it’s exciting! And fairy tales don’t have to be fairy tales because we can guide our own decisions and create the world we wish to live in. So really we should never be bored, unless we’re boring… that’s what I’ve decided atleast. And the ability to decide will determine personal success because the decisions you follow through on passionately will happen.

And MY GOD is 25 peculiar in the brain. Not that it wasn’t as a tween or teen, but the wiring is definitely circuiting differently.

Speaking of awkward teen year I just wrote my 14-year-old niece this message, which should serve me as a reminder of how I choose to life my life:

“You just be the best you and even if people are rude, you be kind. The only way change will happen is by example and years later (because sometimes that is how long it takes before you see results which is why you need patience) you’ll feel good about yourself and you’ll be that much stronger to handle anything. You have a very kind heart Destiny, don’t let people change that about you because they will try. And I came out with one bestest best friend out of high school and we had several huge fights and periods of not talking while we were growing up. Best friends don’t suck but there might be moments that suck and you’ll get through it if you truly love each other. PS I miss and love you! And I’m sending you a letter soon so expect it xo”

Just an update of my life for those interested:

1) I’ve almost been living in Calif. for a year now, unbelievable! It was never an initial plan but it happened. I think I’m making a positive impact because realistically, financially alone, being out here would not be possible. Incredible people are placed in my life to help me along the way, and then I’m convinced I’m exactly where I am so supposed to be for the time being. Individually I am growing substantially.

2) I might be crazy. I now have 4 jobs, 5 if you would include my volunteer work. Right now I work full-time for Wyndham as a Marketing Concierge. I continue to work part-time for Pacific Magazine as a Promotional Team Trainer and a weekly assistant to the promotions and marketing managers. I work very, super minimal, part-time for a promotions company called Green House Agency as a Promotions Specialist. And recently, like two days ago, I accepted work for an up starting company facilitating and creating social media content that will be monthly stipend…. most importantly I get creative freedom, a learning experience, and another build of a skill set. And well if we want to make it 5 I absolutely love my Urban Angels family and will continue to volunteer and write for them 🙂

3) I’m taking a breather from the boys because my timing always sucks or I meet guys that I know aren’t ready for a commitment… and I’m not talking marriage because that would be the ultimate commitment and the concept tied to the word is a little nauseating. I only say nauseating because I feel people idealize marriage but don’t consider the work behind it and are so easy to divorce… a road I never want walk. So I’d rather be patient and wait for what is right for me. I’m taking a break because I know I get impatient to share ideas, stories, and moments. And I am so desirous of what I want now that I refuse anything less of what I deserve. And my love life was pretty dramatic last year, so I’ve learned a lot from that hahah. My closest friends have or will hear the stories when the timing is right and we can share coffee or walks, so be patient for the next encounter loved ones!

4) Here was the final list of my New Year’s Resolutions:

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5) My Best Friend came for Christmas and New Years 2013 and below are a couple photos of our fun adventures (yup we’re chicks and document that sh*t)

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Also – in the next year and a half or so I am moving abroad. It. Must. Happen. While I am a young little free bird 🙂

Don’t Let Your Dreams Be Dreams…

life

dont

I’m writing because you are significant to my life.

Our moment(s) may have been recent or awhile back, but that moment, those moments, whatever it was, it was enough to place you in my heart and enough to contribute to myself and inspire my growth as an individual. And there is nothing in this world or any other world worth giving up those moments or wishing to change the paths I’ve wandered.

I wish I had combined super powers of teleportation and insomnia (that would not effect my personal health) because then I could unrealistically continue to utilize my time and maximize opportunity for more moments worth keepsake…  i.e. trespassing into little adventures, late night conversations carried away in tired nonsense, and realizing how cold the ground really is at night when gazing at the stars.

But life is life. And this outrageous desire of mine, that I couldn’t have said any better than the man himself, Jack Kerouac : “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars,” is nothing short of real.

I’m as human as human gets. I can’t be there as often as I’d like, but I do in fact hold you close. I hope you smile when you read this because it is absolutely something I love about you. And chances are if you’re reading this I know you, maybe not entirely, but we’ve taken the time to talk and exchange the little details about ourselves to create a friendship. And you give me unbelievable stretch to face this world and smile through the good and the bad. And no matter what it is I feel in the moment I have the comfort of knowing everything will be okay. Yes, you my friend, have given me the security and strength to live a life worth living and see the world in a beautiful light. Thank you for being an amazing being. Merry Christmas and cheers to the New Year! 2014 will be grand… because I said so. Be outrageous, bend the rules within reason, and continue to create those moments.

All my love,

Dawn

Advice For The Boy

life, thoughts

Wanting To Date Me …

I always convince myself it will be a “responsible” day of errands, a check list crossed and every sense of adulthood achieved. And then I realize it’s my day off.  And that for the sake of my sanity—the bills can wait, research of maintenance on my car can pend another day, clothes can spill across my floor, and I can move to my own relaxing rhythm.

Today I wore the glory days of my college track & field sweats with the not so glory days of my favorite over-sized hoodie that I kept from my ex boyfriend. I had every intention to return his hoodie until I realized I owed him nothing—no apologizes and no effort to mend our very unfortunate and messy ending. While we both made mistakes along the way, in the end, I was the person disassembled and belittled. Thankfully, looking back, I conditioned myself to roll with the punches and charge forward. It is so strange to see how much I’ve achieved in a little under two years and how much I’ve blossomed into the comfort of my own skin and being. And this hoodie, even with its negative impression, is still my favorite. How strange, right?

He did attempt to salvage a friendship a year and a half later, but by then I had already realized how I wanted to live my life and what I was willing to tolerate regarding the people in it. I will never be perfect, but I will always strive to be a better friend and to never under any circumstance talk down upon someone. The process of rebuilding self-worth is not easy. What I’ve learned is how to let people go and how to recognize the relationships to cultivate. And what of this broad single perspective backstory of my last relationship? My understanding of  love, the importance of communication, and my current issues with dating.

It’s amazing how much the subject of relationships is discussed amongst girls, boys, co-workers, strangers, and everyone really. So I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately because the discussion seems to find me in someway everyday. We’re all curious in our expertise and everyone wants to find a real love. I’m one to speak because I haven’t found what’s worth the good fight, yet. Well—maybe I did, but when we met I wasn’t ready and I was entirely overwhelmed. After my ex I met the boy who loved me in that unexplainable sense, entirely for who I was, and it was very real. And I fought against it and left everything behind to pursue my dreams for myself. And I’m still working hard to pursue my dreams but I think I’m ready to share the experience with someone now. And my current issues with dating is that I’m picky and I know what I want.

First—I want someone to take the time to know me and to understand how important my writing is to me because it is my best method of communication. Communication is the key component of success in every sense of any relationship. I am the words I bleed and I feel it is my most pure raw form.

And this is all just suggestion and kind of general guide to girls (I think):

  • Listen & Observe—figure out beforehand if you enjoy her personality. Decide if her outrageous ideals, poise or goofy mannerisms, and smile are worth the exploration and pursuit. And while you’re deciding pay attention because the minute details you remember are what will aid towards your winning her over. If she is high maintenance and loves lavished things—I hope you have money, ha. If she likes simplicity and moments in good company, be creative and don’t over do it.
  • Flatter—if you’re interested in a girl then ask her out properly and risk a rejection. Don’t wait on the confusion of are we just friends or does us hanging out everyday or us emotionally connecting mean more. Maybe it’s not fair for the guy to have all the pressure of initiator but the guy should be the initiator! Otherwise don’t be bummed if you never escape the friend zone because you never tried.
  • Chivarly— A girl will always appreciate held doors, pulled out chairs, jackets on a cold night, a sense of security in the presence of opportune danger. As a female I can say it’s very attractive and all my friends and I are quick to discuss the practiced mannerisms during girl talk because those acts rarely exist today.
  • Compliments—women live insecurely because of the pressure created by the market world. You have no idea how we’ve been conditioned to feel about our looks… make up, surgery, fake hair, lashes, blah blah blah. We spend time grooming and it should be recognized, feed the ego 😛
  • Build Anticipation—keep the exciting tension for as long as possible.
  • Communicate—be real and honest and keep the dialogue going.

Treat a woman right and watch her bloom.

I also adore hand made things and appreciate any creativity of something.

I just really like this song.

You Should Never Blink

life, thoughts

…unless to silently applaud your panoramic intake and pulse.

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The only thing we’ll have control is our own decisions. And the key to happiness is decisiveness. An easy concept with a difficult practice, especially living in a franchised world of choice.

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What I’m learning on my pursuit of happiness is that while beautiful things can create from shades of gray… grey, whatever… Shades of Gray suck!

My sister-in-law once told me that there is only black and white and that grays were just excuses or lies. I’ve been sitting on this thought for almost a year, and I’ve decided that this is true. The only truth that exists is the ones we decide to believe and what we believe is determined by a yes or no, not a maybe.

Anything between a wrong and right, yes and no, or even a truth and lie falls into “50 Shades of Grey,” a.k.a bullsh*t. Ha, just kidding, I can’t hold that opinion because I never read the book or series because it all sounded like nonsense to me. However, in all seriousness happiness is decisiveness.

On that note—decisiveness for a twentysomething is one heck of a struggle. I wonder everyday if I am moving forward, remaining stagnant, and often think “what the f*ck am I doing.”

You know what I’m struggling with in my twentysomething? Deciding when I am right, when I am wrong, determining when I am just being stubborn and when to let it go. I am struggling to find my path. And I feel like the only thing I’ve got down is finding a way to appreciate life itself.

“Girls are good at journaling.”

A guy told me that hanging out the other day as he sold himself short in being able to write. The truth couldn’t have been said any better than Ernest Hemingway himself, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

Anyway that guy shared with me kind words about my perspective on my last blog “Do Every Stupid Thing.” In-fact a few people have said/shared some really nice feedback about my last posting and I want to thank everyone of you that takes the time to peer into my head. It’s a gratified feeling realizing that your thoughts are similarly shared with others… or least cared about. What a messy mind I run but it oils well for me.

As far as writing goes it is a scary thing because it documents your thoughts and people will always challenge those thoughts. You have to own it and hold your grounds of heart. Some people will ridicule and call you stupid or praise and call you genius while all you were trying to do is figure things out and share the experience along the way.

You know that song “Royals” by Lorde? She blows my mind, the lyrics to her song are just incredible. I’m kind of jealous (scratch that) inspired that a 17 year old could create such heavy words. I wish at 17 I had been able to create something so impressive but hey we develop out our own pace.

So don’t blink, unless of course to applaud the beautiful world that stands before us. It is a mess but it is our own and we can keep creating change.

California Living (Life Update)

  • I moved from Oceanside to La Jolla… La Jolla is amazing and the absolute closest I’ve ever lived by the water. I walk out the front door and the water reflects sparkles in my eyes, it’s incredible.
  • I’m a little exhausted in information intake and life in general but still truckin’ and I am so thankful. This weekend I am going on a camping trip for a break though to Anza-Borrego Desert. I am so stoke!
  • I will be seeing Phantogram this month!!! With a couple great friends that always inspire deep belching laughter, it will be grand.
  • I just got an invite to help with the AMA Awards radio press at the end of Nov. and I am so excited 🙂
  • Signed up for my first Yoga classes.. I really need to take care of my body structure because I feel like I am turning crooked. I guess I’ll give it a shot 🙂
  • really a lot has happened but those last five bullets were the highlight

Crap I have a lot to do tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow I will have October’s Urban Angels feature volunteers posted on their blog. Had a little difficulty scheduling interviews but now I have all the information so I’ll try to hammer something out. Be sure to be on its look out.

Anyway— dear reader, whoever you are, thank you for your eyes and time. Thank you for all the encouragement and feeding my source of energy. I get tired but it is worth every ounce of me. I hope I return as much inspiration as you share with me. And if you are ever feeling short I am always available to be reached; however give me some time to respond, I am still overwhelmed everyday. I’m human and it’s a beautiful thing 😉

wholeheart

Do Every Stupid Thing

life, thoughts

… that makes you feel alive.

                                  with integrity, purpose, and love.

Image I have been longing to write, but I have been excusing myself from doing so.  I am just going to type freely, because in writing I find answers to questions I never even knew I had. Basically, this is my disclaimer to butchered, politically incorrect, and purely raw Dawn. Judge me.

The other day I was hanging out/voluntarily working with my best San Diego discovery, Lynnia Shanley. Being so far away from my best friend Kalyn on the east coast, Lynnia has been my west coast inspiration. We seem to share a common gratefulness for having crossed paths. With separate goals in mind we share a lot of similar ambition and are learning that two minds are greater than one.  As we each embark on our separate discoveries we help each other in our commonalities and also prepare to become future business partners, so watch out world 😉

Anyway returning to the story—Lynnia and I were hanging out and after she used the men’s bathroom of the building we were in because the female facilities were momentarily offensive and I realized I was trained and restricted to gender roles. I would have never thought to go to the men’s restroom while the little girls room uhhh improved? I would have waited, which was silly because this was an empty building. Why did an outlined symbol of a man restrict me from going in? Some rules are meant to bend, especially if it’s not hurting anyone. What a strange realization and even stranger scenario that got me there. It did however remind me to keep an open mind and to not always listen to the drawn lines inside the box.

So the other day I was working when I met this guy CLICK HERE, an unexpected conversation and pleasant exchange of acquaintance. I was working for Wyndham (my LinkedIn with some info on the job) at the ACS Home event at the convention center downtown. Myself and another young colleague were practicing our pitch and Ted humored us as he knew that there was no interest in our product. And after he listened he applauded our efforts and reminded us to keep going and keep working hard and to learn everything we could from our lowly totem poled position.

Seriously, the responsibilities and tasks of our position are difficult and exhausting and negatively wearing (if you allow it to get to you). It is a high stress performance job with a high turnover because unless you have thick skin and a mental shield people will wear you thin.

Anyway – there were a couple things from our conversation with Ted that I liked. First was that he told the guy I was working with and myself that we were young, attractive, and smart. What flattering compliments! He told us that we were in the business of ourselves. So I am the business of Dawn, whatever standards I hold to myself is that of my own and what I exhibit will determine the results. He also said to always remember “Why Not.” Whatever the pursuits why not go for it.

He’s right, so what if failure is to be met because failure is only complete if nothing was tried or learned. He also looked at me specifically and basically implied because I was female my challenges would be a bit more challenging and to not let it get me down. Why not live the life I want for myself. So simple right? It’s funny how everyday the simple reminders are needed to keep motivated and moving forward.

On that note my once again revived attitude and newly restored perspective… I am in the business of good conversation, genuine relations, and honest pursuits. And while lately I’ve been exposed to a lot of ill intention, I have to remember that my life is my decision and the influence of others will not take away from whom I am. I feel like people perceive my kindness as naïve. I would almost have been convinced it were true if I never took the time to gauge and reflect on my own success and growth.

I am more experienced than most care to take the time to learn and I pick my battles and strategize my own defense. I’m learning that the closer I get to my own successes the more haters really do exist.  And well that’s okay because they’re not brining me down. And at this turning point in my life (25 really is a mile stone) I may be a little intimidated, but I have the strength to hold my own. Oh! And most importantly of all that I am in the business of, I am in the business of play 🙂 I feel even as an adult, play is not a learning curve limited to the little tykes.

MY LIFE IN ITS CURRENT MOMENT People seem to draw this misperception of the “perfect” life I live. I get envy for my display of happy. I never realized, until I thought about it, how difficult happy is to have. People think I’m flawlessly drawing success in California because I’m pretty, confident, and so well put together. The truth is that I am a hundred fails before a stride forward, a young struggle and a beaten fighter that just won’t stay down. Like everything in life, my happiness is a practice and something I work hard for, so it is earned.

The older I get the more I realize that the term “free” is a loose conception, all good things of life must be earned. I want to share how I keep myself happy with 3 jobs, full agenda, and overwhelming lifestyle. DAWN’S METHOD OF HAPPINESS All I know is what I know so take what you want from what I share or don’t. And do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive.

I’m going to narrow it down to 5 key practices that are simple but still a task themselves.

1)   Movement—I feel like I am a combination learner between audio, visual, and kinesthetic, kinesthetic being the most important practice. I feel physically and mentally exhausted when I post up in a room behind a screen for several hours at a time. I react better with a range of movement and exploration.  So I like to go for walk or surf or bike and just maneuver and explore.

2)  Talking to strangers—I know this has always been discouraged, especially as children, but I’ve always been stubborn and my manner of “listening” meant not listening to mom, sorry mom! I LOVE stories and I like to learn from other peoples mistakes before I make decisions for my own. I feel like history of whatever is what pushes individual growth and expansion forward. And I always feel special when someone shares with me significant moments and discoveries of their own. And the more I talk to strangers the more I learn to understand people and myself.

3)  Writing— writing is my discovery and outlet. It’s me bare and exposed. While this is one of my greatest fears it is also my accepted challenge. I’m happy challenging myself. I’m happy exposing myself because I don’t want to be embarrassed of who I am and I want to be the voice for those who are. And I want a good relationship built through understood communication. Maybe I’m not the strongest vocally but written I can express myself best. I’m working on my vocals but for now I find my voice in writing, why not strengthen what is mine?

4)  Eating Healthy—well first I’d like to note that when I am hungry I am the most unpleasant being to be around. I am like the wet gremlin (yep I just made that reference). I get grumpy and caught in this weird clouded mindset. Anyway my body and mind feels much happier when I eat clean. I hate how I feel after fast food or deep battered clogged arteries dishes. I like when I crave veggies and fruit as apposed to burgers from McDonalds (the broke college kids diet).

5)  Triple D’s—Doodling, Dancing, And Driving. Yeah that was all fully improved off my head because I’m getting tired, but I do enjoy each of those D derived words. There ya have it, my five, off the top of my head tactics of happy. I also like to look at cute animal pictures

OH AND HOW COULD I FORGET? Volunteering  — Check out my article for URBAN ANGELS this month, amazing people I interviewed! It’s crazy I’ve been self-revising in mlifeisbeautifuly head how to share my odd ability to be happy, my positive energy. Then I watch these TED TALK series for the first time and literally my jaw drops. Each speaker reveals something I learned by personal experience and put it together so eloquently to be understood. AND THEN I’ve fallen in love all over again because people I relate to inspire me and what inspire me excites me 🙂 And when I am happy, well I’m HAPPY.

I feel like I’m on track again and that I’m strengthening my calling which is to help. I guess I just wrote all that because I feel like large majorities of people actively using social media create this envy and jealousy of others based off the depiction of a perfect life. There is no such thing as perfect unless perfect is a humbled acceptation of imperfect.

Social Media is the highlight of people’s life and people aren’t going to be displaying photographed tears of themselves after their grandmother died or their significant other left them or how they felt when the credit card company was hounding for payment…. at least for the most part people won’t. I’m sure there is someone out there that disproves my made up scenarios and theory. I feel like I became this unannounced pedestal vicariously lived through (social media), aesthetically voiced depiction of —happy—.

People seem to falsely believe that my life is cotton candy and doubled rainbows. What is reviewed on social media skins the hard work, very hard work, it takes to have those moments captured by digital pixels. Yes, I do live an incredibly fun life filled with a lot of light, but because I am human I have my moments in the dark and personal struggles. I don’t always have confidence in what I am doing or how I feel about myself. I am the epitome of a broke young adult trying to break into the business and I sometimes feel like I am too old to be struggling  and that I should already have my sh*t together.

I have to bring myself back everyday and remind myself of each little earned success and change my perception of the situations before me. My happiness is an everyday decision that is not always met but definitely strived for. And I would be lying if I didn’t say the pursuit of happiness wasn’t exhausting. It should be exhausting because it balances out the gratefulness of its achievement.

Sometimes when I am tired I wish for a hero. I wish for my idealized man with the warm eyes, convincing grin, and inviting humor that is just the perfect kind of awkward I like. I wish for the gentleman hands and the conversations that carry further than what is physically, humanly, capable of reach. I wish for the outside thinker that is going to surprise me not by what can be bought but thought. And I wish for the man that doesn’t have to say a word for me to understand that no matter where we are, neither of us is alone.

Because when I am tired and physically pushed to a crooked hip and what feels like a tangled muscle back, all I want is that man whose voice is the perfect distraction and sound of comforting reason. And he’d save me with out a cape because his subtle actions were enough to heal my own thoughts. And his hugs would wrap better than a swaddled baby, because I like hugs that are comforting. When I don’t feel well I am pitiful. I hate being “miss independent” and I just want to be taken care of. When I am weak it truly reminds me how human I am and that Wonder Woman was only a costume I wore to Dragon Con.

What I find so fascinating about all that I just wrote is that in my head the hero is a man. And I can’t help but wonder why is that? I’ll tell you why, f*cking Disney movies! I was a Disney movie fanatic as a child and remember one Christmas where all I got was Disney tapes. I blame the Disney creative for my fairy tale mind. And the media created gender roles of women infused in my mind from too much television as a child. I also blame romantic comedies and girl talk… girls always want to talk about weddings and babies and shopping and junk.

Anyway—enough about the hero talk because I only occasionally get impatiently girly and await my fairytale. Then I remember… f*ck that, create it 🙂 A friend the other day told me we were both “searchers.” I agreed but I didn’t like that is all he had to say about us. I told him being a searcher is not enough. I am a searcher but I am a creator. Recently I’ve been exploring a lot, feeling a little lost as I try to figure out where I belong, but along the way I have discovered me… my tolerance for life, strengths, weaknesses, and what makes me happy.

I’m transitioning from the searching and starting to create. I am prioritizing the importance of my life, sifting the connections and letting go of those who add no value to me. I’m taking learned experiences and trying to apply the lessons. I’m making decisions and I’m not allowing myself to be stagnant or influenced to remain. This friend of mine, he wanders and that is great but he’s quite lost in excuses, influences of others, and self restrained ties to roles of restrictive responsibilities… and irresponsibility’s. And while this all sounds judged, it is. I wish I could let this person see the potential I see in him and that he’d just be honest and vulnerable.

But tonight I’m realizing this person has to be removed from my life for personal reasons. Damn it. Life lessons. BAHHHHH it felt so good to let the keyboard go. I have to write it out write it out. Packing my life into a bag and moving away from comfort zone and safety net was the best decision of my life. I don’t have it all figured out but I am much closer. And the more I learn that who I am and how I feel is my right. And I’m a pretty rad chick, with good intentions, and I am proud of who I am and what I’m in the business of. And I’m wondering if this will make sense when I am not tired. What did I just write to get to 5 pages?! Geeze. Whoever made it to the end of this, kudos.

Makeshift

life, thoughts

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My life in this moment is mentally strange. And because I’m in the west coast I feel like I am caught in the undertow. Yes, I know I am lame, but I embrace it. Currently — I do not feel defeated, but I feel that I am not winning. So things have got to be shaken up, and I must goal personal challenges for myself. I need change. Plus I could use a rhythmic energy shock and new inspiration. This month I am calling my “Makeshift” month.

Personal Challenges for July:

1) No Facebook, unless, otherwise required of work. This means no personal use of browsing status updates, photos, and yadda yadda de blah. I wanted to say social media, but I use my Twitter (follow me :]) to read articles and I want to revamp my LinkedIn. Also – this rule obviously begins July 3 after I post on my social media platforms that I am doing this.

2) Write a letter a day to the people I care and love most. I haven’t decided if I mail each day or send out a huge stack out Aug. 1.

3) No alcohol to touch my lips the month of July, yes this includes the 4th. Excluding July 1 because my work had me sip our clients products (Jack Daniel Honey and Tuaca)

4) Workout 3 days a week minimum.

5) Become more flexible… so stretch more! and the word more inspired me to think drink more water as well.

Yep, so those were my goals. I’ll let you know how they go 🙂 Until then I am posting random photos that inspire me as I segue to the update on my life portion of this post.

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My Life Update: a chaotic mess that has slight rein.

I made a new for sure life long friend at work 🙂 Lynnia! (

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We pretty much hang out all the time and go on crazy adventures that can be followed HERE on my Instagram.

I got to work at the BET Radio Press in LA this past weekend and it was a TON of fun 🙂 I got to escort lots of talent and see how the whole function carried out.

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…the updates continue

Pacific Magazine let me help with their copyediting and you have no idea how happy that made me!

My best friend (Wifey, yes she earned that title years ago) came to visit me from Georgia and it was AWESOME. We went biking riding on Coronado Island, the San Diego Zoo, out in Del Mar where we got hit on by a creeper wanna be our sugar daddy… this is where he hit on us – Poseidon , amazing cocktails  food, and beach view… I highly recommend. We went to the La Jolla Coves, kayaking in the ocean… needless to say, it was an exhausting week.

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I couldn’t live at my last location so I’ve moved. Something I’ve noticed about most Californians is that they don’t use air conditioning in their homes. I’ve been to so many places that don’t have a unit or don’t use them. It gets hot.

Urban Angels has asked me to be a writer for them and to help keep up with their blog 🙂 I feel so honored and excited. Urban Angels is a connection housing to help those that have fallen a little and need some help.

I made a new friend in Los Angeles that is hilarious, HERE is a video for proof (she is the girl in the sleeved dress). Her friend and her make creative awesomeness when they combine forces lol.

I’ve been hiking at the potato chip rock, which was an awesome hike! If you are looking to grow your butt and thighs I suggest this hike!

potatochip

I’ve been to Intervention at the Hard Rock in downtown SD. I got to see Nicky Ramero perform.

I’ve been to the American Comedy Co. in SD and saw Dan St. Germain.

umm well I am actually exhausted right now so I am calling it quits for the updates.

Like everyone else, same shit, different story. I have my struggles everyday, but I choose to live happy. I would have never imagined 7 months prior that I would up and move to Calif. all alone, struggling like hell to survive, and living a constant adventure of a learning experience. I guess that about wraps it up 🙂  Thanks for those who trekked the screen this far and read my blabber.

XOXO,

Dawn

And for closing this song by Lana Del Rey shared by Pandora:

It’s so weird and I am addicted.

My 10 Rules to Live By

life, thoughts

peterpan

I’ve been terrible about keeping up with this blog and writing because life happens. Not to excuse myself, except I’m excusing myself, I’ve been living, breathing, experiencing, and most importantly learning. The older I get the more I appreciate my capacity to inhale, especially after the moments that take my breath away.

I have an incredible pulse for life—the good, the bad, and the juicy (the complex interactions that take place before us everyday). I seek out happiness and self-fulfillment and find my inspiration from family, friends, music, dead writers, communication, volunteering, individualism, art, and simplicity.

We all have a choice in how to live and I made the decision to live mine happily. Because everyone defines his or her own happiness I wanted to share how I achieve mine. I live by my own set of rules and here they are:

1)   Do what you want and stand for what you believe in.

2)   Expect nothing from anyone but yourself.

3)   Never stray too far from Never Never Land.

4)   Read.

5)   Talk to strangers.

6)   Volunteer.

7)   Write.

8)   Believe in the impossible and then make it possible, or at least try because no one ever regrets trying what he or she wants.

9)   Don’t let negative attitude influence your mood but instead inspire vibrancy back into the perpetrator.

10)  Keep faith.

Hmmm… this is because I am an odd ball and I analyze things weird, but the balance of the words from my rules above is offbeat, which in my thought made me laugh because I feel I have an odd balance for life. And that was my quirky moment.

UPDATE of my life:

About a month ago I went back to ATL to watch my best friend walk the graduation stage at the University of West Georgia and receive her bachelor’s in middle grades education. She wore these glasses the entire graduation and danced across the stage, she made me proud 😛

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We were obsessed with this song on my visit:

Also she will be here in San Diego this weekend for a week! Yippe 🙂

While I was home I was so spoiled…well fed with drinks and food, taken on a shopping spree with grandma (my best friends grandma, not mine), had a girls night downtown that included a fancy schmancy hotel room with my favorite friends, had friends drive hours to meet me in ATL for a dinner, my cat was adopted by a great little family, and best of all I got to see my daddy and little sister and brother. Going home reminded me just how loved I am 🙂 Oh and I snagged a copy of the book I was published in.

I was supposed to fly back to Calif. but ended up road tripping back with a girl I met once like 4 years prior. I happen to see on her Facebook status that said she was moving to Calif. on a whim and I jokingly said depending how fast she was moving I would ride with her so she didn’t drive alone… turns out the day she was leaving was the day my flight was suppose to head out, so I cancelled my flight and hopped in the passenger seat. What an INCREDIBLE trip it was. I was able to see my freshman year of college best friend on her birthday in New Orleans and the next day leaving we won the lottery on a dollar scratch off. I got to see a huge chunk of the southern states and made it home to San Diego just a few hours before I had to work. I also got a tattoo in New Mexico that can be viewed here on my Instagram.

Career Hunting :

One of the best advices I was given from someone in my professional network for my career search post graduation was to celebrate the small successes. Finding a career is exhausting and it easy to lose motivation. I am working my butt off making next to nothing, however in exchange I am networking a lot and creating a ton of new relationships. My position with Pacific San Diego Magazine is working pretty well with the plan and strategy I previously mentioned in my last post. Also I’ve received a small promotion and got street team member of the month from the magazine 🙂 With my internship my boss is launching a different new company the first of next month and there is opportunity for me to have a full-time paid position. And I recently met someone who wants me to be his production manager in a couple months because his production manager is leaving and he is seeking a replacement, of course people talk, so we’ll see what happens. So things are tight on expenses but I am exactly where I want to be, I’m working hard, and most importantly I am happy!

I’ve started to volunteer for an amazing organization downtown San Diego called Urban Angels. I essentially volunteer with the same duties those at a soup kitchen would have. I feed the struggling and less fortunate. How this organization differs from a soup kitchen is the homeless I feed stay in a connection housing. The tenants have 6 months to live free and seek out a job to return to their independence. Once the occupants have received a job they have opportunity to move up a few floors in the building to a more permanent housing. For two years said reemployed person can work to get back on his or her own again. It’s an awesome concept and I 100 percent support it. I enjoyed all the people I met because of the wild variety of personalities. What I really love is that I am people who are trying to help themselves.

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Here it Urban Angels Facebook  so that whoever is reading this can further lurk the organization 🙂

Quick odd story— I went out to eat at a 24 hour joint downtown on sixth avenue (can’t remember the name of the establishment) after hanging out at Bassmnt to see  Dash Berlin with a new friend I made at Urban Angels. Which btw at Bassmnt LMFAO’s vip table was right next to the one I was invited to. There was a guy hanging out in their group I found beautiful but I was a baby and didn’t reel and deal (

Umm yeah there are far more stories and adventures between all the events mentioned in this post, but well I’m tried of talking about myself so, catch you later 🙂

Also 3 more things

1) Agreed:

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2) I’ll be damned if I don’t have one hell of a life story by the time I have kids or die 😉

3) Here is a picture of the book I was published in 😀

published

XOXO